EQ is a fascinating subject. It gained widespread interest with the publication of Daniel Goleman’s book “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ” in 1996.
We now hear people at work or in social settings making references to EQ in various ways. Those who come across as abrupt, brushy or downright rude might be described as ‘lacking in EQ’, ‘have low or no EQ’, or ‘display EQ problems’. Conversely, those who are friendlier and get along well with others are called people ‘with high EQ’ or ‘good EQ’
Some people we encounter seemed to be able to get things done much faster and easier. They are friendlier or ‘popular’ with their co-workers or friends and are more confident. On the other hand, we come across others who are ‘offensive’ in their remarks or mannerisms. They may be highly competent in their jobs in the technical sense but display poor ‘people skills’.
However, EQ is more than just being nice. High or good EQ behaviors include a strong sense of self particularly in terms of emotions, high recovery skills in the face of setbacks or challenges, strong empathy as well as listening skills, a including approach in relationships and situations. Low EQ behaviors on the other hand are the opposite – talking rather than listening, blaming and judgmental attitudes amongst others.
EQ is also not being emotional. The fact that one cry easily while watching sad movies or lets fly in rages of anger at the slightest provocation does not mean its good EQ. EQ does not equal personality and it is definitely not the opposite of IQ.
What then is EQ? I have been asked this question more frequently since embarking on a career in EQ training, coaching and consultancy. In fact, many have asked about EQ in relation to businesses, leadership, sales & marketing and even family.
EQ is an essential part of our daily lives. We are humans and emotions drive our actions everyday. EQ is about using the information or data behind our emotions to help us in our thinking. This is the simplest manner to view the subject. The purpose of EQ is to make better decisions and have more productive relationships with people around us.
Emotions as we know are just the forms or outcomes of incidents, if you may. Behind these forms are ‘messages’ or cues – the reasons why we feel the way we do. We are happy when we are praised, gained something, or feel loved or respected. Sadness is often a result of our losing something or being hurt. Similarly, we fear when we sense possible threats to our physical or mental well-being.
EQ is therefore about understanding the causes of these emotions and using this information to help us in our thinking before deciding on an appropriate course of action. I use the term – emotion-aided thinking to describe this.
The key point of EQ training or coaching is to recognize that extremes in emotions can be negative or counter-productive. Yes, even so called negative emotions can be ‘useful’ in some situations. Jealousy in the right amount can be helpful to a healthy relationship. Fear or anxiety makes us more alert to the dangers around us. In the same vein, if we over-rejoice, we can lose our ‘guard’ and be vulnerable.
EQ core competencies can be categorized in three realms. Self – skills include strong sense of self and understanding what our emotions are and how to describe them. Many of us can react when we are angry, we say unpleasant things. We cry or sulk when we are sad or upset. But emotions are not static – they vary in intensity and evolve over time. There are many shades of emotions so that the vocabularies of our emotions are equally varied. In order to understand, we must be able to describe. That is the purpose of emotional literacy.
The next skill is recognizing our emotional patterns. At the most basic level, we survive by habits. In the face of danger, we survive by adopting three general stances, fight, flight or freeze. This auto-pilot behavior however also plays out in our modern settings. We develop emotional habits that react when we receive external stimuli. However, modern settings do not always need instinctive survival reactions. Sure, when a heavy object is hurled towards us, we have to duck to survive but this is really not an everyday occurrence, at least not to everyone!
The skill of recognizing patterns is important to gain an understanding of how we typically react in everyday situations.
Emotional outbursts can be regarded as an act of hijack when thinking is cut off from the feeling part of the mind. The amygdala, an almond-shaped mass of grey matter in our brain is associated with feelings of fear or aggression and is important for our visual learning or memory. Emotional outbursts are referred to as an amygdala hijack.
The second realm of EQ competencies is in relation to others. Others – skills include making the right emotional choices, demonstrating optimism, understanding the consequences of our emotional reactions, and aligning our internal motivators with our actions.
The third part of EQ competencies is in relation to our larger environment. These are developing empathetic behaviors such as listening skills and establishing noble goals.
EQ training and facilitation involves understanding and experiencing the core skills or competencies. It also provides many opportunities to practice these EQ competencies and most important of all, relate them to one’s work or family situations.
Years of research and studies have shown that EQ is in fact learnable and actionable. Optimism is a skill that is learnable. Optimistic people are more motivated, happier, enjoy better physical and mental health and are therefore also more successful. Conversely, those who are chronically depressed or sad are more likely to fall sick.
EQ intervention has also proven to be useful for staff motivation and reducing turnover. The US Airforce spent less than US$10,000 in EQ competence testing that resulted in savings of more than US$2.7million in recruitment costs. A fast food chain in UK revealed in their studies that outlets with high EQ managers enjoyed lower staff turnover, greater customer satisfaction and higher profitability.
A financial institution in the US conducted EQ competence training amongst its advisors. Those who underwent the training enjoyed high business volume and significant sales performance. EQ training is now a standard curriculum for new recruits.
In a separate study, it was shown that strong social and emotional abilities were 4 times more important than IQ in determining success and prestige at work.
EQ intervention or training is vital for the longer term survival of enterprises as well as for productive and healthy relationships amongst family and friends as well as loved ones. The payout of a good EQ training program will far outweigh the costs in its investment.
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Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
Redirect energies to positive activities - Letter to My Paper 14 April 2008
Redirect energies to positive activities
BERNARD LAW CHER GUAN
I REFER to the news reports on a teenager who hurled vulgarities at his teacher
and how his mother helped him change by exposing him to temporary hardship at a construction work site, as well as the report on how an elderly couple were beaten up in a road rage incident.
The mother of the youth, Madam Lim Hoon Har, should be commended for acknowledging her son’s abusive behaviour towards his teacher.
The task of parenting must be understandably tough, as she juggles the multiple demands at work and at home.
While some may disagree with her choice of corrective action, most people, including me, would applaud her for having the courage to be decisive on reforming her son.
Given a choice, who would want to see his or her own child suffer? As for the road rage case, the bully should be brought to jus- tice to underscore the high pre- mium we place on safety on our roads and, more importantly, in the way we treat our elderly people.
Emotions drive our actions every day.
Our society must address how our youths and, in the road rage case, our adults, deal with their emotions, particularly those that are potentially abusive or even violent. If we fail to address this, these same youths could become the criminals of tomorrow.
The pace of our lifestyle has grown faster. We face many stressful and unpleasant encounters daily on the roads or at work.
More people are thus becoming more prone to venting their anger and anxiety and, as a result, we are more exposed to such feelings and actions. We may then mistake these emotions as “understandable” or, worse, acceptable ways to deal with negative emotions.
Furthermore, what is also true is that, in a group, emotions can be self-fulfilling, in that a more domineering member with the strongest emotion may influence the actions of the rest.
Madam Lim has rightly made the choice to help her son positive and productive activities. The ability to recognise and “de-escalate” the build-up of bad emotions is a learnable skill that can be acted upon.
As we invest in more obvious and measurable training programmes at our schools as well as at work, emotional intelligence is one aspect that we should also focus on.
BERNARD LAW CHER GUAN
I REFER to the news reports on a teenager who hurled vulgarities at his teacher
and how his mother helped him change by exposing him to temporary hardship at a construction work site, as well as the report on how an elderly couple were beaten up in a road rage incident.
The mother of the youth, Madam Lim Hoon Har, should be commended for acknowledging her son’s abusive behaviour towards his teacher.
The task of parenting must be understandably tough, as she juggles the multiple demands at work and at home.
While some may disagree with her choice of corrective action, most people, including me, would applaud her for having the courage to be decisive on reforming her son.
Given a choice, who would want to see his or her own child suffer? As for the road rage case, the bully should be brought to jus- tice to underscore the high pre- mium we place on safety on our roads and, more importantly, in the way we treat our elderly people.
Emotions drive our actions every day.
Our society must address how our youths and, in the road rage case, our adults, deal with their emotions, particularly those that are potentially abusive or even violent. If we fail to address this, these same youths could become the criminals of tomorrow.
The pace of our lifestyle has grown faster. We face many stressful and unpleasant encounters daily on the roads or at work.
More people are thus becoming more prone to venting their anger and anxiety and, as a result, we are more exposed to such feelings and actions. We may then mistake these emotions as “understandable” or, worse, acceptable ways to deal with negative emotions.
Furthermore, what is also true is that, in a group, emotions can be self-fulfilling, in that a more domineering member with the strongest emotion may influence the actions of the rest.
Madam Lim has rightly made the choice to help her son positive and productive activities. The ability to recognise and “de-escalate” the build-up of bad emotions is a learnable skill that can be acted upon.
As we invest in more obvious and measurable training programmes at our schools as well as at work, emotional intelligence is one aspect that we should also focus on.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Interview no-shows reflect larger social problem - Letter to ST Forum Online
Home > ST Forum > Online Story April 7, 2008
Interview no-shows reflect larger social problem
I READ with concern the report on candidates who are no-shows at scheduled interviews (my paper, March 31). At the risk of opening a can of worms, I suggest this is symptomatic of a larger problem in society today - a dire lack of empathy, or the ability of understand and share the feelings of others.
The flip side of this coin is the focus on oneself: 'What I do not feel, does no harm.' The result is ungracious behaviour that is unacceptable.
In the case of no-shows at interviews, it is a failure to appreciate the effort needed to make arrangements and so share the lousy feeling of being stood up. I am sure there are many possible reasons for no-shows, but none is acceptable. This blatant disregard for others' feelings is rude and irresponsible. All it takes is a phone call to apologise for being unable to make it - and being honest about the reason.
There are many examples of other un-empathetic behaviour: cutting onto others' path when walking and forcing them to stop in their tracks without the courtesy of an apology; speaking loudly into a mobile phone; watching while the auntie or uncle clears our littered table in the foodcourt; and walking into a lifts while someone holds it without a simple thank you.
It seems 'sorry' is not the only hardest word to say. 'Thank you', excuse me' and other basic social niceties have also made the list.
What is scary is that this disregard for others' efforts and feelings may become the norm as this behaviour is self-fulfilling. 'If others do it, so can I.' This is a sure formula for disaster in social interactions. Another perception contributing to this behaviour is a misplaced sense of entitlement - the 'me syndrome'. Unfortunately, we do not live in a vacuum - we are part and parcel of the social system.
I suggest we do a check among our immediate family members and close friends - do we say thank you when something is done for us? Do children thank their parents when they clean for them or serve them food? Do we make it a point that they do? Do we apologise when we make mistakes?
Some may feel it is odd that people who are close and dear should expect such niceties. But it is essential if we are to develop into a civic and gracious society. If we cannot do this even with those who are closest to us, how can we do it with total strangers?
When we are gracious and show gratitude - in small and, to many, innocuous ways - it is often reciprocated. Even when it is not, it is not a good reason to be otherwise as this is good for our physical and mental well-being too. Research has shown that people with positive emotions enjoy better health, and are generally happier too.
It really takes very little effort to be pleasant. Being in a hurried fast-paced society is no excuse to be otherwise.
Bernard Law Cher Guan
Interview no-shows reflect larger social problem
I READ with concern the report on candidates who are no-shows at scheduled interviews (my paper, March 31). At the risk of opening a can of worms, I suggest this is symptomatic of a larger problem in society today - a dire lack of empathy, or the ability of understand and share the feelings of others.
The flip side of this coin is the focus on oneself: 'What I do not feel, does no harm.' The result is ungracious behaviour that is unacceptable.
In the case of no-shows at interviews, it is a failure to appreciate the effort needed to make arrangements and so share the lousy feeling of being stood up. I am sure there are many possible reasons for no-shows, but none is acceptable. This blatant disregard for others' feelings is rude and irresponsible. All it takes is a phone call to apologise for being unable to make it - and being honest about the reason.
There are many examples of other un-empathetic behaviour: cutting onto others' path when walking and forcing them to stop in their tracks without the courtesy of an apology; speaking loudly into a mobile phone; watching while the auntie or uncle clears our littered table in the foodcourt; and walking into a lifts while someone holds it without a simple thank you.
It seems 'sorry' is not the only hardest word to say. 'Thank you', excuse me' and other basic social niceties have also made the list.
What is scary is that this disregard for others' efforts and feelings may become the norm as this behaviour is self-fulfilling. 'If others do it, so can I.' This is a sure formula for disaster in social interactions. Another perception contributing to this behaviour is a misplaced sense of entitlement - the 'me syndrome'. Unfortunately, we do not live in a vacuum - we are part and parcel of the social system.
I suggest we do a check among our immediate family members and close friends - do we say thank you when something is done for us? Do children thank their parents when they clean for them or serve them food? Do we make it a point that they do? Do we apologise when we make mistakes?
Some may feel it is odd that people who are close and dear should expect such niceties. But it is essential if we are to develop into a civic and gracious society. If we cannot do this even with those who are closest to us, how can we do it with total strangers?
When we are gracious and show gratitude - in small and, to many, innocuous ways - it is often reciprocated. Even when it is not, it is not a good reason to be otherwise as this is good for our physical and mental well-being too. Research has shown that people with positive emotions enjoy better health, and are generally happier too.
It really takes very little effort to be pleasant. Being in a hurried fast-paced society is no excuse to be otherwise.
Bernard Law Cher Guan
Friday, March 21, 2008
Remembering David Marshall
Home > ST Forum > Online Story
March 21, 2008
David the Goliath: Remembering David Marshall
I READ with interest the media coverage of the centenary birthday celebration of David Marshall, Singapore's first chief minister. While the legal and diplomatic luminaries paid glowing tribute to this 'giant of a man' - I would like to share a common man's encounter with the late Dr Marshall.
The year was 1988 and I had just started work the year before as a Program Executive with Safra. I was placed in charge of organising the activities of the association's Current Affairs Group. I had an idea one evening that we could perhaps organise a talk by Dr Marshall to members of Safra. In the days when fax was very new to the office, the only way we could contact him was via the telex machine as he was in Paris as Singapore's ambassador to France. I was not hopeful that he would accept but nonetheless thought it worth a try. The next day, I was very pleasantly surprised when I saw his reply that he was accepting our invitation as he would be in town for his 80th birthday celebration.
The topic was simple - 'Singapore - Then And Now' - we had wanted to hear his views on how Singapore had changed from his days in politics to diplomacy. We also wanted to pick his mind on the future though the topic was not that apparent. The weeks building up to the lecture were intense. The response was overwhelming - we had students, senior citizens and the general public all earnest to fill the limited capacity of the Safra Tampines auditorium. A pre-lecture lunch was arranged with Dr Marshall to discuss the arrangements. It was my first meeting with the man. He chose Japanese food when asked what he preferred.
The legend left indelible impressions on me - a young working executive fresh from university. Cutting a grandfatherly figure, Dr Marshall was in his signature bush jacket, pipe and a mini-voice recorder. While his physical appearance was 'imposing', his mind was 'boggling'. His zest for life, his intense interest and love for Singapore could be felt throughout the lunch to the actual day of his lecture.
Dr Marshall's determination to keep working for Singapore was what impressed me most. He lamented the pre-occupation of our young with material possessions. He said 'we should work to live, not live to work'. The day of his lecture saw the auditorium packed to full capacity of 196. It was the highest record of attendance for the Safra Current Affairs Group ever. Dr Marshall kept his talk brief as planned so that he could take questions and interact with the audience. The same intensity and zest permeated the auditorium. When an older member of the audience 'berated' him for leaving opposition politics and democracy for Singapore, one could hear a pin drop in the auditorium. Dr Marshall sat intently while the man became quite emotional. After the man finished, Dr Marshall was pensive. He did not react with any hint of displeasure. How he responded remains vivid to me, even after 20 years. He observed that given the benefit of hindsight, he was not sure if he could have done as well, much less better than Mr Lee Kuan Yew and the PAP.
He was, however, quick to add that 'a stomach of steel' was absolute requirement in politics. He was a man who gave credit where it was due - even to his political opponent. After his lecture, he mingled with the audience - spoke to students who attended and provided many with photo opportunities. When I asked for his autograph, he wrote of thanks for the opportunity to speak at Safra and offered his best wishes to me - in another signature mark - green ink. He regaled us with the story behind why he always wrote in green to much laughter. I am grateful for the rare opportunity of meeting this giant of a man. I am sure the rest of the 196 heard him share this feeling. Not everyone agreed with everything he said that day - but this would have been what he expected anyway.
Bernard Law Cher Guan
March 21, 2008
David the Goliath: Remembering David Marshall
I READ with interest the media coverage of the centenary birthday celebration of David Marshall, Singapore's first chief minister. While the legal and diplomatic luminaries paid glowing tribute to this 'giant of a man' - I would like to share a common man's encounter with the late Dr Marshall.
The year was 1988 and I had just started work the year before as a Program Executive with Safra. I was placed in charge of organising the activities of the association's Current Affairs Group. I had an idea one evening that we could perhaps organise a talk by Dr Marshall to members of Safra. In the days when fax was very new to the office, the only way we could contact him was via the telex machine as he was in Paris as Singapore's ambassador to France. I was not hopeful that he would accept but nonetheless thought it worth a try. The next day, I was very pleasantly surprised when I saw his reply that he was accepting our invitation as he would be in town for his 80th birthday celebration.
The topic was simple - 'Singapore - Then And Now' - we had wanted to hear his views on how Singapore had changed from his days in politics to diplomacy. We also wanted to pick his mind on the future though the topic was not that apparent. The weeks building up to the lecture were intense. The response was overwhelming - we had students, senior citizens and the general public all earnest to fill the limited capacity of the Safra Tampines auditorium. A pre-lecture lunch was arranged with Dr Marshall to discuss the arrangements. It was my first meeting with the man. He chose Japanese food when asked what he preferred.
The legend left indelible impressions on me - a young working executive fresh from university. Cutting a grandfatherly figure, Dr Marshall was in his signature bush jacket, pipe and a mini-voice recorder. While his physical appearance was 'imposing', his mind was 'boggling'. His zest for life, his intense interest and love for Singapore could be felt throughout the lunch to the actual day of his lecture.
Dr Marshall's determination to keep working for Singapore was what impressed me most. He lamented the pre-occupation of our young with material possessions. He said 'we should work to live, not live to work'. The day of his lecture saw the auditorium packed to full capacity of 196. It was the highest record of attendance for the Safra Current Affairs Group ever. Dr Marshall kept his talk brief as planned so that he could take questions and interact with the audience. The same intensity and zest permeated the auditorium. When an older member of the audience 'berated' him for leaving opposition politics and democracy for Singapore, one could hear a pin drop in the auditorium. Dr Marshall sat intently while the man became quite emotional. After the man finished, Dr Marshall was pensive. He did not react with any hint of displeasure. How he responded remains vivid to me, even after 20 years. He observed that given the benefit of hindsight, he was not sure if he could have done as well, much less better than Mr Lee Kuan Yew and the PAP.
He was, however, quick to add that 'a stomach of steel' was absolute requirement in politics. He was a man who gave credit where it was due - even to his political opponent. After his lecture, he mingled with the audience - spoke to students who attended and provided many with photo opportunities. When I asked for his autograph, he wrote of thanks for the opportunity to speak at Safra and offered his best wishes to me - in another signature mark - green ink. He regaled us with the story behind why he always wrote in green to much laughter. I am grateful for the rare opportunity of meeting this giant of a man. I am sure the rest of the 196 heard him share this feeling. Not everyone agreed with everything he said that day - but this would have been what he expected anyway.
Bernard Law Cher Guan
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