Having THE conversation - the proverbial Elephant in the room
So finally we had that conversation - the one thats been on everybody’s minds but not their lips. Well, to be fair I had spoken to him but on the fringes over the past few weeks. Clearly it didn’t register fully.
The leader of the team of doctors led the way last Monday 18/11 when he told him in our absence that the decision had been to cease all treatments.
What it means is that clinically he qualifies as a palliative/hospice patient. In local parlance, in his own words, so we just wait to die?
In the same breath, he added ‘but then isn’t everyone also in effect waiting to die’
The gems of (sad) wisdom that spout from him in the face of his (and universal) mortality.
I took pains to explain the rationale for that decision. He went through a major surgery to remove a 8.5cm/490 gm tumour on his left lung. He then went through a hernia repair procedure. In between there were numerous chemotherapy, radiation, radio therapy and lastly 3 sessions of immunotherapy.
The final regime was the 3rd line of treatment for him and it didn’t stop the progression of the disease.
I explained that if we push for further treatment - and of course its humanly possible but is it necessary or even helpful ?
The major downside is the negative side effects and painful procedures that might rob him of the quality of life that we and he particularly crave to be functional : to eat (which he enjoys very much), observe and enjoy things he likes (like his new home).
I told him the outcome of further treatment is not positive and won’t add much time to his life. Painful point but necessary.
He was in agreement (or at least nodded his head to show he understood)
On a surprising note, he had remained stoic and cheerful - another gem he shared with me - it always differ among individuals (with regards to how people respond to bad things that happen to them).
I asked him to tell us what he likes to eat and do - anything that we can realistically make happen, we would.
I also promised him that we would make it possible for him to go home to enjoy day leave from the hospice. More importantly I told him that the hospice would be the best environment where medical staff are qualified to calibrate his comfort care.
He had agreed to be stepped down to stay at the hospice given the other options are not practical nor financially feasible.
I left him with a heavy heart. Comforted by his still keen interest in the progress of my work and how I was coping as I had been spending the past months busying with the reno of his new home etc.
He was upbeat when I left, giving me his signature wide-smile and waving me off with a Thank You.
The elephant was a big heavy animal indeed.
Remind to self : we must not be so consumed by the raw intense feelings not to savour the moments we have with him as we did over last few years. Particularly the past 2 years.
Its easy to spiral downwards but we must be grateful for the many positives in our lives and particularly his.
Wednesday, November 20, 2019
Thursday, October 17, 2019
The Chat
Had a really good heart to heart chat with Huat recently. He was hospitalised for an episode of weakness on his right periphery. Docs have identified the source and started treatment and physio to help him regain his mobility.
As usual he is very upbeat and feisty. He is determined to be as independent as functionally possible. We are chanting and encourage him to do likewise.
In the chat, he expressed his gratitude to us, his siblings for looking after him. He also mentioned about the new flat he is taking over in early November. He is looking forward very much to it. I had visited it and taken photos to show of the current state. Residents have started moving in or renovating their respective units too. The buzz around the new estate is starting to form.
He also has a sense of gratitude for the past 2 years of his journey with his illness. Why gratitude ? It is relative to what he knows of others and their arduous ones. He is grateful he was able to function at almost full capacity despite the surgeries, hospitalization and clinic visits.
This I attribute to his and our Buddhist practice which puts many things in perspective.
He said something that brought tears to me after my visit : if everyone only wants to choose the good in life, who would be left to pick the bad. (It was said in Hokkien but the gist was this)
I advised him to maximise his productive time with us and do what he likes, eat food that he enjoys and savour as well as collect even more fond memories as ultimately it is those that would sustain us long after (a certainty no doubt) we all are no longer around.
We all must remind ourselves : am I creating positive value in my and others’ lives. Am i also living the best way I can.
Hope you are collecting sweet memories with your loved ones too.
As usual he is very upbeat and feisty. He is determined to be as independent as functionally possible. We are chanting and encourage him to do likewise.
In the chat, he expressed his gratitude to us, his siblings for looking after him. He also mentioned about the new flat he is taking over in early November. He is looking forward very much to it. I had visited it and taken photos to show of the current state. Residents have started moving in or renovating their respective units too. The buzz around the new estate is starting to form.
He also has a sense of gratitude for the past 2 years of his journey with his illness. Why gratitude ? It is relative to what he knows of others and their arduous ones. He is grateful he was able to function at almost full capacity despite the surgeries, hospitalization and clinic visits.
This I attribute to his and our Buddhist practice which puts many things in perspective.
He said something that brought tears to me after my visit : if everyone only wants to choose the good in life, who would be left to pick the bad. (It was said in Hokkien but the gist was this)
I advised him to maximise his productive time with us and do what he likes, eat food that he enjoys and savour as well as collect even more fond memories as ultimately it is those that would sustain us long after (a certainty no doubt) we all are no longer around.
We all must remind ourselves : am I creating positive value in my and others’ lives. Am i also living the best way I can.
Hope you are collecting sweet memories with your loved ones too.
Thursday, September 26, 2019
Happy CPFDay !
Something interesting happened when I turned 55. Some people who knew and those who happened to find out, other than wishing me the traditional way, also added ' so, got cpf liao'.
It is a uniquely Singaporean occurrence.
Many of us who turned 55, of course were reminded 6 months earlier when CPF Board sent us a booklet explaining the various schemes that we have to consider in respect of our retirement plans.
Interestingly and perhaps deliberately, the booklet highlighted the ways we should retain our money in the Retirement Account to earn more interest - and exhorted those who have more than ample funds to increase the amount to be set aside (i.e. enhanced amount of S$240k). What is subtly left out is tell us how to withdraw any excess.
This is not to say nobody did. In fact, I know of some friends or their friends who did the most shiok (fun) thing when they reached 55 - applied to draw down their excess funds (of the retirement sum). Some even went ahead to purchase their dream overseas properties or go for that dream holiday.
Most feel that these hard earned monies have been too long overdue - hack, after so many decades of slogging at their jobs, the money is the proverbial pot of gold - though frankly its not nothing to sing about. But for many, they have never (including me) got their hands on such a large amount of money before.
So what options do we have now by way of investing - interest rates are dismal. Any other number of investment schemes have turned awry - recent reports of fellow Singaporeans losing hundreds of thousands and even millions in ponzi-like schemes overseas are just tip of the iceberg. The property market if believe reports, is supposed to recovering (I never felt it was down at any rate over the past few years). If the recent enbloc frenzy is anything to go by, a bubble might yet be building again.
Most I think would just leave the money in their CPF Retirement Account. After all, the interest offered is not low by any measure.
Hope you are making use of your CPF savings in productive ways.....
It is a uniquely Singaporean occurrence.
Many of us who turned 55, of course were reminded 6 months earlier when CPF Board sent us a booklet explaining the various schemes that we have to consider in respect of our retirement plans.
Interestingly and perhaps deliberately, the booklet highlighted the ways we should retain our money in the Retirement Account to earn more interest - and exhorted those who have more than ample funds to increase the amount to be set aside (i.e. enhanced amount of S$240k). What is subtly left out is tell us how to withdraw any excess.
This is not to say nobody did. In fact, I know of some friends or their friends who did the most shiok (fun) thing when they reached 55 - applied to draw down their excess funds (of the retirement sum). Some even went ahead to purchase their dream overseas properties or go for that dream holiday.
Most feel that these hard earned monies have been too long overdue - hack, after so many decades of slogging at their jobs, the money is the proverbial pot of gold - though frankly its not nothing to sing about. But for many, they have never (including me) got their hands on such a large amount of money before.
So what options do we have now by way of investing - interest rates are dismal. Any other number of investment schemes have turned awry - recent reports of fellow Singaporeans losing hundreds of thousands and even millions in ponzi-like schemes overseas are just tip of the iceberg. The property market if believe reports, is supposed to recovering (I never felt it was down at any rate over the past few years). If the recent enbloc frenzy is anything to go by, a bubble might yet be building again.
Most I think would just leave the money in their CPF Retirement Account. After all, the interest offered is not low by any measure.
Hope you are making use of your CPF savings in productive ways.....
Remembering Mum 5 years on.....ultimately it will be memories that sustain us.
Mum left us on 2 Sep 2014. It certainly feels like it was yesterday. Since her passing, much had taken place.
I had not shared much about the months leading to her passing. After 5 years, I feel timely and would like to.
Almost 1.5 years before, I had a nice conversation with Mum. It was a Sunday when Mety, our helper took her day off. As usual, Geok and I would plan activities for Mum to keep her occupied. Typically, it would be lunch at the hawker centre, card games with her or even strolls in the gardens within the estate. If it got too warm, it would be us holed up in the air-conditioned room watching TV and chatting.
Mety had showered for Mum and she was comfortably seated in the couch in my study. As she was flipping her playing cards, I asked her in Hokkien - "Are you concerned about me being alone in the future?" She was very relaxed and looked up with her signature smile - "concerned about you ?" I was very surprised by her answer after "Why do I need to worry about you? You are not 'gong' (hokkien for dumb or stupid). When I related this to my close friends, they said Mum knew I would be able to take care of myself since I was street smart enough. Mum also saw how the siblings took care of each other and felt assured that we would be fine. I felt very reassured.
In August 2014, I was in class and Beng had taken time to have dinner with her at home. This was related to me by him. She had turned to Beng to ask for me - and after he told her that I was teaching, she asked "he is a teacher?". Then she told Beng - "Ah Guan is a good man". That was all she said even after Beng tried to prod her to explain she just kept quiet and continued with her card game.
It brought tears to me when Beng told me this conversation. Ours is a family that acts more than expresses and this was comforting as it was sad - because intrinsically we knew that she was preparing for the conclusion of her life.
Ultimately, all we have are memories of our loved ones when they are no longer with us - I am grateful that we were given many opportunities especially in their latter years to build more of such heart warming and fond ones that we can relive whenever we miss them.
I had not shared much about the months leading to her passing. After 5 years, I feel timely and would like to.
Almost 1.5 years before, I had a nice conversation with Mum. It was a Sunday when Mety, our helper took her day off. As usual, Geok and I would plan activities for Mum to keep her occupied. Typically, it would be lunch at the hawker centre, card games with her or even strolls in the gardens within the estate. If it got too warm, it would be us holed up in the air-conditioned room watching TV and chatting.
Mety had showered for Mum and she was comfortably seated in the couch in my study. As she was flipping her playing cards, I asked her in Hokkien - "Are you concerned about me being alone in the future?" She was very relaxed and looked up with her signature smile - "concerned about you ?" I was very surprised by her answer after "Why do I need to worry about you? You are not 'gong' (hokkien for dumb or stupid). When I related this to my close friends, they said Mum knew I would be able to take care of myself since I was street smart enough. Mum also saw how the siblings took care of each other and felt assured that we would be fine. I felt very reassured.
In August 2014, I was in class and Beng had taken time to have dinner with her at home. This was related to me by him. She had turned to Beng to ask for me - and after he told her that I was teaching, she asked "he is a teacher?". Then she told Beng - "Ah Guan is a good man". That was all she said even after Beng tried to prod her to explain she just kept quiet and continued with her card game.
It brought tears to me when Beng told me this conversation. Ours is a family that acts more than expresses and this was comforting as it was sad - because intrinsically we knew that she was preparing for the conclusion of her life.
Ultimately, all we have are memories of our loved ones when they are no longer with us - I am grateful that we were given many opportunities especially in their latter years to build more of such heart warming and fond ones that we can relive whenever we miss them.
In the end, what counts....
“Come to think of it, finally, it’s only friendship that matters.” - the late Mr Lee Kuan Yew to Robert Kuok when they met in 2007/8. - If i remember quote correctly. Do let me know if I had misquoted.
Recently, I was told something a trainer shared with his participants, or rather bragged to them. He was telling them how much money he made during his younger days and how he decided to move to a 'bungalow in the sky' (apartment) instead of staying in their landed property.
Throughout the session, he only made a fleeting mention about his late parents - that his only regret was not having told them that he was rich.
It got me thinking - perhaps that was his way of expressing himself - to each his own I guess.
What has this got to do with the quote at the start ?
I think we should encourage people to share about the relationships that have changed or influenced their lives. Especially for those of us who are in our middle age. Our society has made quantitative measure of success such a standard, we do not seemed to be able to move away from talking about what we own, now or before. Talking of relationships or people are also awkward for most.
Perhaps that is the reason, we see very high hits of video clips or quotes online that help us express this part of us.
I thought it would be meaningful as we close the year to recollect some of these relationships in my life.
Many of you would have read my posts regarding my parents and siblings - they count for a lot in my life - particularly the past couple of decades. Not when I was younger though - we had our youthful distractions and the growing pangs and pains so we also had our difficult phases together.
I am however, grateful these did not become internalised to a point where being in the same space was difficult too (like those in the movies). We mellowed and became closer as we overcame challenges together.
From my parents, I learnt perseverance and sticking together through thick and thin. They married for over 58 years and saw so many trials and tribulations that would have resulted in them going their separate ways many times over. But they stuck it out. We were the better for it.
From them I also learnt to cook and enjoy home cooked meals. They always made sure we had warm food on the table no matter how far out we went to play in the neighbourhood. Like clockwork, the dishes were always placed nicely on our kitchen table for us.
Both of them taught us the simple virtue of hard work. We are not rich by any measure today, but we know that what we have, we earned it. To rip what we sow - thats Mum's mantra to us when we all started work.
Hope this post offers something to think about the people closest and dearest to you.
Recently, I was told something a trainer shared with his participants, or rather bragged to them. He was telling them how much money he made during his younger days and how he decided to move to a 'bungalow in the sky' (apartment) instead of staying in their landed property.
Throughout the session, he only made a fleeting mention about his late parents - that his only regret was not having told them that he was rich.
It got me thinking - perhaps that was his way of expressing himself - to each his own I guess.
What has this got to do with the quote at the start ?
I think we should encourage people to share about the relationships that have changed or influenced their lives. Especially for those of us who are in our middle age. Our society has made quantitative measure of success such a standard, we do not seemed to be able to move away from talking about what we own, now or before. Talking of relationships or people are also awkward for most.
Perhaps that is the reason, we see very high hits of video clips or quotes online that help us express this part of us.
I thought it would be meaningful as we close the year to recollect some of these relationships in my life.
Many of you would have read my posts regarding my parents and siblings - they count for a lot in my life - particularly the past couple of decades. Not when I was younger though - we had our youthful distractions and the growing pangs and pains so we also had our difficult phases together.
I am however, grateful these did not become internalised to a point where being in the same space was difficult too (like those in the movies). We mellowed and became closer as we overcame challenges together.
From my parents, I learnt perseverance and sticking together through thick and thin. They married for over 58 years and saw so many trials and tribulations that would have resulted in them going their separate ways many times over. But they stuck it out. We were the better for it.
From them I also learnt to cook and enjoy home cooked meals. They always made sure we had warm food on the table no matter how far out we went to play in the neighbourhood. Like clockwork, the dishes were always placed nicely on our kitchen table for us.
Both of them taught us the simple virtue of hard work. We are not rich by any measure today, but we know that what we have, we earned it. To rip what we sow - thats Mum's mantra to us when we all started work.
Hope this post offers something to think about the people closest and dearest to you.
Three 'Siew Mais' For Every Visit - My Dad and his father
Our paternal grandfather (Lau Keng Hong), brought Dad to Singapore in 1936. Dad was 6 years old then. He told us about the boat trip that took 60 days from YongChun County, Fujian Province to Singapore.
Like many from south China, immigration was the only way out of the dire living conditions in the villages and a shot at seeking a break in Nanyang.
Grandfather was in the fabric trade and Dad helped him in his youth. They lived in Lorong 27, Geylang for many years. There former homes are now part of the road leading to the Aljunied MRT station saved for some shop houses still there. Dad was to be a bus conductor, an insurance agent and for almost 48 years thereafter, the secretary of the Geylang Villagers Association.
After our paternal grandmother passed away, grandfather's health also deteriorated. Though he was more senior, his physical constitution was far stronger than hers. She passed away from a heart attack one night at home.
Grandfather suffered from severe dementia.
When our youngest Uncle died from alcoholism at 43. Dad took the initiative to propose that Grandfather be placed at a home. By then he was already unable to communicate and could not recognise anyone. Dad chose one near Telok Kurau as it was one nearest to our place where he could visit.
His visits took place weekly and in each occasion, he would bring along three siew mais for grandfather as that was his favourite snack. He would relate Grandfather's condition to Mum after each visit. So we found out through their chats.
Dad fulfilled his filial duties the best way he knew. There was much disagreement amongst the siblings on how to pay for and manage his care. I still remember that Dad would help his father to send money to his youngest brother in YongChun for many years. After grandfather passed on, Dad continued to do so whenever he could though it was very trying since our family of 8 was also going through our own hardship.
Grandfather passed away at the home in the middle of the night. We were informed by the director in the morning. In the course of his entire adult life, Dad kept to his confucian values of always being respectful of Grandfather and acceding to his demands and calls for help whenever things happened to his younger siblings and we have had many after midnight calls of such nature.
Dad brought Grandfather back to China when he was in his 40s and the later in his 70s. Subsequently, he brought both Grandfather and Grandmother back once. My trip with Dad and Mum in 2003 was his 4th trip back since the journey to Singapore in 1936.
Like many from south China, immigration was the only way out of the dire living conditions in the villages and a shot at seeking a break in Nanyang.
Grandfather was in the fabric trade and Dad helped him in his youth. They lived in Lorong 27, Geylang for many years. There former homes are now part of the road leading to the Aljunied MRT station saved for some shop houses still there. Dad was to be a bus conductor, an insurance agent and for almost 48 years thereafter, the secretary of the Geylang Villagers Association.
After our paternal grandmother passed away, grandfather's health also deteriorated. Though he was more senior, his physical constitution was far stronger than hers. She passed away from a heart attack one night at home.
Grandfather suffered from severe dementia.
When our youngest Uncle died from alcoholism at 43. Dad took the initiative to propose that Grandfather be placed at a home. By then he was already unable to communicate and could not recognise anyone. Dad chose one near Telok Kurau as it was one nearest to our place where he could visit.
His visits took place weekly and in each occasion, he would bring along three siew mais for grandfather as that was his favourite snack. He would relate Grandfather's condition to Mum after each visit. So we found out through their chats.
Dad fulfilled his filial duties the best way he knew. There was much disagreement amongst the siblings on how to pay for and manage his care. I still remember that Dad would help his father to send money to his youngest brother in YongChun for many years. After grandfather passed on, Dad continued to do so whenever he could though it was very trying since our family of 8 was also going through our own hardship.
Grandfather passed away at the home in the middle of the night. We were informed by the director in the morning. In the course of his entire adult life, Dad kept to his confucian values of always being respectful of Grandfather and acceding to his demands and calls for help whenever things happened to his younger siblings and we have had many after midnight calls of such nature.
Dad brought Grandfather back to China when he was in his 40s and the later in his 70s. Subsequently, he brought both Grandfather and Grandmother back once. My trip with Dad and Mum in 2003 was his 4th trip back since the journey to Singapore in 1936.
Wednesday, September 25, 2019
On spirituality - and my practice
This post is a very personal take on my Buddhist practice. It hopes to promote understanding and, if it so happens those who feel inclined might wish to try it. Thank you for reading.
I have written before on why I am a Buddhist. To me, it is a philosophy - not a religion in the strictest sense of the word.
So I am spiritual but not religious. I am part of a religious organization by way of having a support network for community or fellowship - to be connected with others who also practice this philosophy.
I like this Huff Post article (https://www.huffpost.com/entry/religious-vs-spiritual_b_576b1b14e4b083e0c02350c1) on the difference between spirituality and religion - of course there are shades of grey (no offense intended for borrowing the infamous phrase of the title of the book 😅)
Of particular interest are these phrases : Spiritual person knows that there is only one truth and they are in fact in charge of their own evolution and destiny. They also know that nothing is “written” and all our futures are shaped by our desires and the power of our minds.
Do you believe in the power of your own self and that you are in charge of your destiny? In this case you are spiritual.
So when I share that I chant, what am I actually doing ? The action of chanting is based on the core teaching of the Lotus Sutra that the essence of life is cause and effect - this goes beyond existential and visible realms but also transcends space and time.
In effect, I am tapping into my highest state of life called Buddhahood (which everyone absolutely possesses. The chant of Nam-myo-ho renge-kyo is like a clarion call to this state to emerge. All phenomena have 10 states or life conditions - the lowest of which is hell while the pinnacle is where Buddha nature resides.
When we chant, we are clearing the debris of the lower worlds to reveal the highest life state. It has often been likened to polishing our inner tarnished mirror.
So - in the 33 years of practice, we are still learning about our practice. With the internet, others who are doing the same from all corners of the world also share their experiences. I came across this reminder of how we should chant for our desires (btw, earthly desires are enlightenment contrary to traditional belief that we should be totally detached from the world)
First : set specific goals or objectives that you are chanting for. These should include people, timeline and most important - the outcome that you want to see.
Second : make it into a campaign with amount of chant that you commit to do. This is about galloping chant that is resolute and sonorous. All the time keeping the ‘outcome’ in mind. No strategizing or scheming because the universe would find the ladened chant to heavy to realize.
Third : when you are distracted as you definitely would be, refocus to go back to keep up the momentum.
Fourth : Because you have started the campaign and the chant has been triggered in the universe, you must practice wisdom to look out for prompts or steps that are related to your ‘outcome’ - a phone call, a connection that has resurfaced or a referral that suddenly emerged etc. This is important - we do not encourage blind faith but action-based practice.
Fifth : Perhaps most vital : keep chanting.
That’s what I do - and it’s even for the most rudimentary things in my life. After all, our happiness which is what we live for is surely not a high brow notion alone but embedded in every aspect of our daily existence.
May you find your path to happiness too.
I have written before on why I am a Buddhist. To me, it is a philosophy - not a religion in the strictest sense of the word.
So I am spiritual but not religious. I am part of a religious organization by way of having a support network for community or fellowship - to be connected with others who also practice this philosophy.
I like this Huff Post article (https://www.huffpost.com/entry/religious-vs-spiritual_b_576b1b14e4b083e0c02350c1) on the difference between spirituality and religion - of course there are shades of grey (no offense intended for borrowing the infamous phrase of the title of the book 😅)
Of particular interest are these phrases : Spiritual person knows that there is only one truth and they are in fact in charge of their own evolution and destiny. They also know that nothing is “written” and all our futures are shaped by our desires and the power of our minds.
Do you believe in the power of your own self and that you are in charge of your destiny? In this case you are spiritual.
So when I share that I chant, what am I actually doing ? The action of chanting is based on the core teaching of the Lotus Sutra that the essence of life is cause and effect - this goes beyond existential and visible realms but also transcends space and time.
In effect, I am tapping into my highest state of life called Buddhahood (which everyone absolutely possesses. The chant of Nam-myo-ho renge-kyo is like a clarion call to this state to emerge. All phenomena have 10 states or life conditions - the lowest of which is hell while the pinnacle is where Buddha nature resides.
When we chant, we are clearing the debris of the lower worlds to reveal the highest life state. It has often been likened to polishing our inner tarnished mirror.
So - in the 33 years of practice, we are still learning about our practice. With the internet, others who are doing the same from all corners of the world also share their experiences. I came across this reminder of how we should chant for our desires (btw, earthly desires are enlightenment contrary to traditional belief that we should be totally detached from the world)
First : set specific goals or objectives that you are chanting for. These should include people, timeline and most important - the outcome that you want to see.
Second : make it into a campaign with amount of chant that you commit to do. This is about galloping chant that is resolute and sonorous. All the time keeping the ‘outcome’ in mind. No strategizing or scheming because the universe would find the ladened chant to heavy to realize.
Third : when you are distracted as you definitely would be, refocus to go back to keep up the momentum.
Fourth : Because you have started the campaign and the chant has been triggered in the universe, you must practice wisdom to look out for prompts or steps that are related to your ‘outcome’ - a phone call, a connection that has resurfaced or a referral that suddenly emerged etc. This is important - we do not encourage blind faith but action-based practice.
Fifth : Perhaps most vital : keep chanting.
That’s what I do - and it’s even for the most rudimentary things in my life. After all, our happiness which is what we live for is surely not a high brow notion alone but embedded in every aspect of our daily existence.
May you find your path to happiness too.
Wednesday, December 6, 2017
The Love Affair Of Our Parents
Mum and Dad were married for 58 years - both met when they were in their mid 20s. Theirs was a marriage of love - not arranged or match-made, common in those days.
Dad had come from China when he was six. Mum was born in Singapore as a British subject. They met at a market along Geylang Lorong 25. Dad was helping Grandfather with his fabric business while Mum was peddling vegetables for her father.
Our maternal grandfather had disapprove of their relationship - in part due to gossipy friends who warned him that Dad comes from a complicated family (in-law issues specifically). Mum used to tell us, she stayed the course - we never got to ask why - but she always alluded to us, the kids for her remaining in the marriage.
We grew to understand that besides the 6 kids they had, it was their mutual love for each other that made them stick together for so long. In more than slightly half a century of marriage, they were plenty of instances of this strong and binding love. Somehow, after each tiff they had, they would always find ways to make peace - the meals, the eating out or the buying lottery - any gesture to make up after a quarrel no matter how heated.
A piece of bread delivered to the hair salon
This was related to us by Mety, our helper. She had brought Mum to the hair dresser and there was a long wait. Dad was at home. When he realized that both of them had not return, he prepared a piece of wholemeal bread and brought it to Mum - as she was diabetic, he was worried that she would be hungry while waiting her turn.
Travels
13-Day China Trip
I traveled with both my parents in 2003 for 13 days to various southern cities in China. The final leg was at Dad's hometown in YongChun, Fujian Province. It was during the trip that I witnessed how much they both basically love each other. At each stop, Dad would gather Mum's laundry to wash - even after I suggested we could let the hotel do them. Mum had never believed in letting others do her laundry - of course, she would also take turns to do Dad's laundry too during the trip. How did I know, the laundry lines would be extended in their hotel rooms.
Jakarta to visit Geok
When Geok was based in Jakarta with her family, we planned a trip to spend one weekend - we also took the opportunity to visit Khiam who works there. Our Brother in law planned a day trip by car to Bandung (the highway had by then been completed). We did not think Mum would like the journey so she stayed back in the city with Geok.
Throughout the journey, I could sense that Dad missed Mum - and when I came back to Jakarta - Geok told me that Mum kept asking if Dad was returning from Bandung. She kept asking her if someone was knocking at her door.
Choosing our new house
When we sold our jumbo flat, it was done before I found our current one. In the course of our search for the new flat, Mum's recurrent instruction to me was to make sure it was in the same estate as our previous one - where bus services would be available so that Dad could still make his regular trips to the clan Association where he spent much time - meeting with his friends and playing mahjong with them. This simple instruction spoke volumes of how much she really cared for him.
New Year, New Home-made Boxers
There was a ritual during lunar new year when we were young that also spoke of Mum's love for Dad. She would buy pyjama-patterned fabric to make Dad's boxers. Being new year means new clothes - to the finer details of the boxers. She was always a good seamstress - she even sewed the older siblings' school uniforms (Mattar East Primary School).
These are but only some examples that I could recall of how, in their simple but practical ways, both of them showed their affection and love for each other. I am sure my siblings especially the older ones would remember even more.
Happy Holidays !
Dad had come from China when he was six. Mum was born in Singapore as a British subject. They met at a market along Geylang Lorong 25. Dad was helping Grandfather with his fabric business while Mum was peddling vegetables for her father.
Our maternal grandfather had disapprove of their relationship - in part due to gossipy friends who warned him that Dad comes from a complicated family (in-law issues specifically). Mum used to tell us, she stayed the course - we never got to ask why - but she always alluded to us, the kids for her remaining in the marriage.
We grew to understand that besides the 6 kids they had, it was their mutual love for each other that made them stick together for so long. In more than slightly half a century of marriage, they were plenty of instances of this strong and binding love. Somehow, after each tiff they had, they would always find ways to make peace - the meals, the eating out or the buying lottery - any gesture to make up after a quarrel no matter how heated.
A piece of bread delivered to the hair salon
This was related to us by Mety, our helper. She had brought Mum to the hair dresser and there was a long wait. Dad was at home. When he realized that both of them had not return, he prepared a piece of wholemeal bread and brought it to Mum - as she was diabetic, he was worried that she would be hungry while waiting her turn.
Travels
13-Day China Trip
I traveled with both my parents in 2003 for 13 days to various southern cities in China. The final leg was at Dad's hometown in YongChun, Fujian Province. It was during the trip that I witnessed how much they both basically love each other. At each stop, Dad would gather Mum's laundry to wash - even after I suggested we could let the hotel do them. Mum had never believed in letting others do her laundry - of course, she would also take turns to do Dad's laundry too during the trip. How did I know, the laundry lines would be extended in their hotel rooms.
Jakarta to visit Geok
When Geok was based in Jakarta with her family, we planned a trip to spend one weekend - we also took the opportunity to visit Khiam who works there. Our Brother in law planned a day trip by car to Bandung (the highway had by then been completed). We did not think Mum would like the journey so she stayed back in the city with Geok.
Throughout the journey, I could sense that Dad missed Mum - and when I came back to Jakarta - Geok told me that Mum kept asking if Dad was returning from Bandung. She kept asking her if someone was knocking at her door.
Choosing our new house
When we sold our jumbo flat, it was done before I found our current one. In the course of our search for the new flat, Mum's recurrent instruction to me was to make sure it was in the same estate as our previous one - where bus services would be available so that Dad could still make his regular trips to the clan Association where he spent much time - meeting with his friends and playing mahjong with them. This simple instruction spoke volumes of how much she really cared for him.
New Year, New Home-made Boxers
There was a ritual during lunar new year when we were young that also spoke of Mum's love for Dad. She would buy pyjama-patterned fabric to make Dad's boxers. Being new year means new clothes - to the finer details of the boxers. She was always a good seamstress - she even sewed the older siblings' school uniforms (Mattar East Primary School).
These are but only some examples that I could recall of how, in their simple but practical ways, both of them showed their affection and love for each other. I am sure my siblings especially the older ones would remember even more.
Happy Holidays !
Sunday, August 13, 2017
Car-less Whispers
I went car-less for 3 weeks recently. It was by choice. I had in the past went car-less but only for selected trips, for example into town to avoid hefty car park charges or crazy traffic (especially during exhibitions or fairs like IT or PC Shows.
So, this round it was a real simulation of no longer owning a car.
I used mainly buses to travel to SAFRA for my daily swims or into town to catch lunches with Geok or friends. Since classes have not started, those were my primary travel needs. Its home-SAFRA and vice versa; home-Bedok or Tampines (grocery shopping or Soka activities) Ez-link card was my mode of payment. Though I had driven a private hire car for almost 7 months, the past three weeks I saw no need for using either Grab or Uber save once when I had to travel to pick up a parcel at night from Tampines to Upper East Coast.
My main peeve about public transport is primarily about crowds during peak hours. As my travels were mainly non-peak, they were pleasant enough. I have to however say that bus drivers do need more training on not being brake-happy. the swerving and hitting of brakes can cause a lot of discomfort for passengers, not to mention dangers of falling for the elderly or those with kids. The other complaint is the condition of some buses. Some were wobbling and the engines sounded like they had been really overworked.
Reminded of my traveling days in the 70s on those non-aircon buses. Come on - Comfort Delgro - we are in the 21st century. If we are going to move large crowds around, we should make their journeys more pleasant or bearable, right? Fortunately, I did not encounter any MRT breakdowns though there were many instances of these over the three weeks. Personally, being car less had some inconveniences - I had to lug my swim bag and stuff around (made a mistake once of shopping for quite a few bags of groceries and the arm was hurting the next day).
Waiting time for buses can be also unpleasant in the hot weather but otherwise quite manageable using the MyTransport App. Of course my 'smell' karma does become quite pronounced during peak hours or on crowded services when fellow commuters with less hygienic habits share seats with me. We should seriously have a campaign on this.
Did I miss my car ? Yes, momentarily when I suddenly thought of going certain places and realized it was not with me. Would I go car-less permanently ? The jury is out on this. My Hyundai Avante has been very useful and somewhat sentimental to me I had used it for both Mum and Dad over the last 7 years.
I still remember bringing them to collect the car when it arrived in 2009. Some of my nephews and siblings have also used it over the course of its life. Its fully paid up and has a good 26 months more to the expiry of its COE. The running expenses are standard and I had also recently spent a bit to replace some really old parts and it feels quite new.
In my attempt to sell it on some online sites, I had met with the old tricks of dealers which make the experience less than pleasant. In the course of my working life, I had driven 7 different cars (bear in mind there were years when COE was non-existent as a policy or concept). For the time being, I would savour the experience of mobility and freedom with my car. Now when I drive past buses or commuters walking towards MRT stations or even though hailing private hire cars - I can truly say - I know how you feel.
I used mainly buses to travel to SAFRA for my daily swims or into town to catch lunches with Geok or friends. Since classes have not started, those were my primary travel needs. Its home-SAFRA and vice versa; home-Bedok or Tampines (grocery shopping or Soka activities) Ez-link card was my mode of payment. Though I had driven a private hire car for almost 7 months, the past three weeks I saw no need for using either Grab or Uber save once when I had to travel to pick up a parcel at night from Tampines to Upper East Coast.
My main peeve about public transport is primarily about crowds during peak hours. As my travels were mainly non-peak, they were pleasant enough. I have to however say that bus drivers do need more training on not being brake-happy. the swerving and hitting of brakes can cause a lot of discomfort for passengers, not to mention dangers of falling for the elderly or those with kids. The other complaint is the condition of some buses. Some were wobbling and the engines sounded like they had been really overworked.
Reminded of my traveling days in the 70s on those non-aircon buses. Come on - Comfort Delgro - we are in the 21st century. If we are going to move large crowds around, we should make their journeys more pleasant or bearable, right? Fortunately, I did not encounter any MRT breakdowns though there were many instances of these over the three weeks. Personally, being car less had some inconveniences - I had to lug my swim bag and stuff around (made a mistake once of shopping for quite a few bags of groceries and the arm was hurting the next day).
Waiting time for buses can be also unpleasant in the hot weather but otherwise quite manageable using the MyTransport App. Of course my 'smell' karma does become quite pronounced during peak hours or on crowded services when fellow commuters with less hygienic habits share seats with me. We should seriously have a campaign on this.
Did I miss my car ? Yes, momentarily when I suddenly thought of going certain places and realized it was not with me. Would I go car-less permanently ? The jury is out on this. My Hyundai Avante has been very useful and somewhat sentimental to me I had used it for both Mum and Dad over the last 7 years.
I still remember bringing them to collect the car when it arrived in 2009. Some of my nephews and siblings have also used it over the course of its life. Its fully paid up and has a good 26 months more to the expiry of its COE. The running expenses are standard and I had also recently spent a bit to replace some really old parts and it feels quite new.
In my attempt to sell it on some online sites, I had met with the old tricks of dealers which make the experience less than pleasant. In the course of my working life, I had driven 7 different cars (bear in mind there were years when COE was non-existent as a policy or concept). For the time being, I would savour the experience of mobility and freedom with my car. Now when I drive past buses or commuters walking towards MRT stations or even though hailing private hire cars - I can truly say - I know how you feel.
Sunday, October 2, 2016
A Mother's love and her lesson on self-preservation
Today's report about '5,000 teachers leave service over 5 years' brought back memories of how I left full time work. In particular, a conversation Mum had with me in 2006 showed me her love for her children and therein also a lesson in self preservation.
I had an unpleasant telephone conversation with a superior at work - over the telephone in my bedroom. It was over some HR issues that we both disagreed. In the conversation, my voice was raised when accusations were made. Mum as usual was in my room, seated at the edge of my bed. She was unable to make sense of the episode as the call was in English. However, the gesticulations, the tone and expression on my face must have conveyed the unpleasantness of it all.
After the call ended, she spoke in Hokkien - "Guan, mai cho la. Bo hua hee, mai cho. Mother bo su yao ler ae lui."(roughly translated - don't continue at this job since you are unhappy - I don't need your money (allowance).
I was taken aback as I didn't expect her to have absorbed so much of a telephone chat that she could not have possibly made sense. I regained my composure and told her it was fine - just some work issue and I was talking loudly as the other party could not hear me.
I then went out for drinks with some friends - in my drive, I thought and was overwhelmed by the love Mum showed me - she was not interested that I kept the job that brought the money home - she was more concerned with how I was treated and taking care of myself - in other words - my self preservation.
It was one of the key reasons why I decided to leave corporate. I needed to assure her that taking care of myself was important as it also meant I was able to care of them too.
For those who are stuck in unhappy jobs - take a breather - do some reality checks about your expenses and needs. Ask yourself, have you been fair to your colleagues and employer - are you doing the job because you have to - and not that you want to anymore.
Remember - you mean a lot to people who truly love you. Your well being is most important because it is a vital function of what you can do for them and those you love too. Having a well paying job means you can provide materially but not having a happy you pains them even more.
Stay happy !
I had an unpleasant telephone conversation with a superior at work - over the telephone in my bedroom. It was over some HR issues that we both disagreed. In the conversation, my voice was raised when accusations were made. Mum as usual was in my room, seated at the edge of my bed. She was unable to make sense of the episode as the call was in English. However, the gesticulations, the tone and expression on my face must have conveyed the unpleasantness of it all.
After the call ended, she spoke in Hokkien - "Guan, mai cho la. Bo hua hee, mai cho. Mother bo su yao ler ae lui."(roughly translated - don't continue at this job since you are unhappy - I don't need your money (allowance).
I was taken aback as I didn't expect her to have absorbed so much of a telephone chat that she could not have possibly made sense. I regained my composure and told her it was fine - just some work issue and I was talking loudly as the other party could not hear me.
I then went out for drinks with some friends - in my drive, I thought and was overwhelmed by the love Mum showed me - she was not interested that I kept the job that brought the money home - she was more concerned with how I was treated and taking care of myself - in other words - my self preservation.
It was one of the key reasons why I decided to leave corporate. I needed to assure her that taking care of myself was important as it also meant I was able to care of them too.
For those who are stuck in unhappy jobs - take a breather - do some reality checks about your expenses and needs. Ask yourself, have you been fair to your colleagues and employer - are you doing the job because you have to - and not that you want to anymore.
Remember - you mean a lot to people who truly love you. Your well being is most important because it is a vital function of what you can do for them and those you love too. Having a well paying job means you can provide materially but not having a happy you pains them even more.
Stay happy !
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
怀念追忆母亲的一生
怀念追忆母亲的一生
陈亚圆 追悼会
我的家人、亲戚朋友和创价协会的会员们,大家晚上好。感谢你们出席我母亲,陈亚圆的追悼会。
我妈妈在英国殖民时期的一个大家庭里出世，她是家里的长女。她向我外婆学了很多好手艺，下厨、缝纫和持家。她煮的东西简单又健康但是她也会确保我们有机会吃到她拿手的咖喱鸡、炒面、酸甜虾。我还记得过节拜拜时她包的粽子。
为了省钱，妈妈会亲手帮哥哥们缝校服。不需要再穿时，她会送给经济能力和我们一样不太好的邻居。她也会帮我们缝短裤，也一定确保我爸爸新年有新裤子穿。这都体现了她对我们的爱。
妈妈在旧芽龙25巷卖菜时认识爸爸，我爸当时在卖布。爸爸和妈妈23岁结婚，一起生活了大半辈子，给了我们六个兄弟姐妹,一个温暖的家。
因为来自一个比较传统的家庭，妈妈因为是女儿所以没有机会上学，但她知道只有受教育才能摆脱贫穷。虽然我妈没读书，但她很有智慧，很懂得人情世故。
她全力支持鼓励我姐姐要受教育， 妈妈告诉姐姐要读书将来才能支持弟弟的教育。妈妈相信家和万事兴，所以她要家人同心团结，因此她从小就教导我们要互相关心照顾家人。
在家里，妈妈对数字特别敏感，她心算速度非常快，我们都很惊讶。是从和她玩牌，我们才发现这点，她过世的前几个月还能玩牌。她也能从亲戚的生肖清楚说出亲戚的岁数。
我妈妈不怎么喜欢旅行，因为她更享受和家人在一起的时间。可是我爸爸喜欢旅行，所以她会迁就。结婚大约60年里，他们去了不少国家和地方。
我妈很有好奇心和也很风趣. 妈妈也会记住感恩别人对她的好。照顾她时,妈妈常会对我和家里的帮手Mety 说谢谢。
她给我们的教诲是：“做人不要太计较，生命无常；做人要看开点。”“工作得老老实实做’ 她也常提醒我们：“宁愿被人占便宜也 不要占人便宜”。
我妈是在1986年开始唱诵南无妙法莲华经。她的信念很单纯，她的祈求常是为别人，尤其是为家人，和她共同生活了58年的老公，她的孩子和孙子们。和她唱诵时，我常听到她为家人祈求健康平安。她一生也知足常乐，懂得感恩， 她常说 “我活够了，我已经很满足了！”
这几年，面对年老和死亡这个自然过程她很坦然，她会祈求让她自己平静地离开。我很欣慰，妈妈在九月二号这天如愿平静地离开人世,而且她脸色粉嫩平静地离开了。
在她临终时，感恩我们能陪伴在她身边,为她献上她爱喝的可乐（coke zero），将她每天唱诵念经的珠链放在手里。然后我轻声告诉她：”妈妈，安心地走，去和爸爸会合”。
在我们唱诵南无妙法莲华经时 ，妈妈给了我们的最后一份礼物：她脸上带着一丝笑容与我们道别， 妈妈85年的生命平静终结了。
陈亚圆 追悼会
我的家人、亲戚朋友和创价协会的会员们,大家晚上好。感谢你们出席我母亲,陈亚圆的追悼会。
我妈妈在英国殖民时期的一个大家庭里出世，她是家里的长女。她向我外婆学了很多好手艺，下厨、缝纫和持家。她煮的东西简单又健康但是她也会确保我们有机会吃到她拿手的咖喱鸡、炒面、酸甜虾。我还记得过节拜拜时她包的粽子。
为了省钱，妈妈会亲手帮哥哥们缝校服。不需要再穿时，她会送给经济能力和我们一样不太好的邻居。她也会帮我们缝短裤，也一定确保我爸爸新年有新裤子穿。这都体现了她对我们的爱。
妈妈在旧芽龙25巷卖菜时认识爸爸，我爸当时在卖布。爸爸和妈妈23岁结婚，一起生活了大半辈子，给了我们六个兄弟姐妹,一个温暖的家。
因为来自一个比较传统的家庭，妈妈因为是女儿所以没有机会上学，但她知道只有受教育才能摆脱贫穷。虽然我妈没读书，但她很有智慧，很懂得人情世故。
她全力支持鼓励我姐姐要受教育， 妈妈告诉姐姐要读书将来才能支持弟弟的教育。妈妈相信家和万事兴，所以她要家人同心团结，因此她从小就教导我们要互相关心照顾家人。
在家里，妈妈对数字特别敏感，她心算速度非常快，我们都很惊讶。是从和她玩牌，我们才发现这点，她过世的前几个月还能玩牌。她也能从亲戚的生肖清楚说出亲戚的岁数。
我妈妈不怎么喜欢旅行，因为她更享受和家人在一起的时间。可是我爸爸喜欢旅行，所以她会迁就。结婚大约60年里，他们去了不少国家和地方。
我妈很有好奇心和也很风趣. 妈妈也会记住感恩别人对她的好。照顾她时,妈妈常会对我和家里的帮手Mety 说谢谢。
她给我们的教诲是：“做人不要太计较，生命无常；做人要看开点。”“工作得老老实实做’ 她也常提醒我们：“宁愿被人占便宜也 不要占人便宜”。
我妈是在1986年开始唱诵南无妙法莲华经。她的信念很单纯，她的祈求常是为别人，尤其是为家人，和她共同生活了58年的老公，她的孩子和孙子们。和她唱诵时，我常听到她为家人祈求健康平安。她一生也知足常乐，懂得感恩， 她常说 “我活够了，我已经很满足了！”
这几年，面对年老和死亡这个自然过程她很坦然，她会祈求让她自己平静地离开。我很欣慰，妈妈在九月二号这天如愿平静地离开人世,而且她脸色粉嫩平静地离开了。
在她临终时，感恩我们能陪伴在她身边,为她献上她爱喝的可乐（coke zero），将她每天唱诵念经的珠链放在手里。然后我轻声告诉她：”妈妈，安心地走，去和爸爸会合”。
在我们唱诵南无妙法莲华经时 ，妈妈给了我们的最后一份礼物：她脸上带着一丝笑容与我们道别， 妈妈85年的生命平静终结了。
Eulogy for Mum - delivered on Friday 5 September
Remembering & Celebrating Mother’s Life…..
Good evening family, friends and members of the Singapore Soka Association. Thank you for joining us this evening as we remember and celebrate my Mother, Mdm Tan Ah Ee’s life.
Mum was born during the British colonial days. She grew up as the eldest daughter of a big family. She learnt many useful skills from our grandmother – cooking, sewing and home keeping. Her food was always simple but healthy though she also made sure we never lacked the experience of her signature curry chicken, fried noodles, and sweet and sour prawns We also remember the annual ritual of making dumplings for the whole family.
To save money, she sewed the uniforms of my older brothers. When those were no long needed, she gave them to our equally poor neighbors. She sewed shorts for us but her labor of love was to make sure Dad had new ones every Lunar New Year.
She met Dad while peddling vegetables at the old Geylang Lorong 25 market while he was selling fabric there. They married at 23 and spent most part of their lives giving the 6 of us a home.
Coming from a traditional family, Mum as a daughter did not receive an education. But she knew the importance of education to get out of poverty. What she lacked in education, she more than made up for in her observations of human behavior and worldly wisdom.
Even when our finances were tight, she encouraged and fully supported Geok , our only Sister to have a university education. She told Geok that with an education, she would be able to support me. Mum believed in strength from unity and harmony. As we grew up, she taught us to look out and look after each other.
In our family, she was well known for her numeracy skills – she could do mental calculation fast and she surprised many of us. We found this through playing cards with her even till her last few months. She could tell the ages of relatives by their year of birth in the Chinese horoscope.
Mum did not like travelling much as she always enjoyed the comfort of being home with her family – but she always made exception because Dad loved to travel. In the almost 6 decades of her marriage, they went to many places.
Mum had a curious mind and a wry wit – she was always grateful for small gestures that others do for her. She understood the challenges of caregiving for an elderly, and she would often thanked me and Mety who is our helper, whenever we did things for her.
Mum’s greatest legacy for us is her words of wisdom. Do not be calculative (cho lang mai keh kao – 做人不要记较) as life is short – in her Hokkien, Cho Lang Hum Hum （做人 看开点）. Her other words of wisdom include – Chiau Kee Kang Lai Cho (never cut corners when working to earn your keeps). She also reminded us not be vengeful – Hor lang pni, mai pni lang 宁愿给人便宜也 不要佔人便宜）. (This portion was delivered in Hokkien)
Mum started chanting NMHRGK in 1986. Her faith in the Gohonzon was pure – her prayers were always about others – particularly her family – her husband of 58 years, her children and grandchildren. Often, while chanting with her, I would hear her praying for our safety and our well-being. She had also expressed contentment with her full life. In her own words, (wa wa-kow liao - I have lived enough).
In the later years, she became more stoic about aging and death as a natural process – she chanted for it to be peaceful and pain free. Our prayers for her was also highly focused - that she should be in the highest life condition to transform her karma; to lessen her karmic retribution and to attain Buddhahood.
She achieved this ultimate victory on the 2nd September in our presence.
We are grateful for sharing her final moments – after offering her drops of her favorite Coke Zero and putting on her chanting beads. I whispered to her that it was alright to move on and to join our father.
With the strains of our chanting NMHRGK, Mum gave us the ultimate gift when she broke into a small smile and concluded her full 85 years of life.
Good evening family, friends and members of the Singapore Soka Association. Thank you for joining us this evening as we remember and celebrate my Mother, Mdm Tan Ah Ee’s life.
Mum was born during the British colonial days. She grew up as the eldest daughter of a big family. She learnt many useful skills from our grandmother – cooking, sewing and home keeping. Her food was always simple but healthy though she also made sure we never lacked the experience of her signature curry chicken, fried noodles, and sweet and sour prawns We also remember the annual ritual of making dumplings for the whole family.
To save money, she sewed the uniforms of my older brothers. When those were no long needed, she gave them to our equally poor neighbors. She sewed shorts for us but her labor of love was to make sure Dad had new ones every Lunar New Year.
She met Dad while peddling vegetables at the old Geylang Lorong 25 market while he was selling fabric there. They married at 23 and spent most part of their lives giving the 6 of us a home.
Coming from a traditional family, Mum as a daughter did not receive an education. But she knew the importance of education to get out of poverty. What she lacked in education, she more than made up for in her observations of human behavior and worldly wisdom.
Even when our finances were tight, she encouraged and fully supported Geok , our only Sister to have a university education. She told Geok that with an education, she would be able to support me. Mum believed in strength from unity and harmony. As we grew up, she taught us to look out and look after each other.
In our family, she was well known for her numeracy skills – she could do mental calculation fast and she surprised many of us. We found this through playing cards with her even till her last few months. She could tell the ages of relatives by their year of birth in the Chinese horoscope.
Mum did not like travelling much as she always enjoyed the comfort of being home with her family – but she always made exception because Dad loved to travel. In the almost 6 decades of her marriage, they went to many places.
Mum had a curious mind and a wry wit – she was always grateful for small gestures that others do for her. She understood the challenges of caregiving for an elderly, and she would often thanked me and Mety who is our helper, whenever we did things for her.
Mum’s greatest legacy for us is her words of wisdom. Do not be calculative (cho lang mai keh kao – 做人不要记较) as life is short – in her Hokkien, Cho Lang Hum Hum （做人 看开点）. Her other words of wisdom include – Chiau Kee Kang Lai Cho (never cut corners when working to earn your keeps). She also reminded us not be vengeful – Hor lang pni, mai pni lang 宁愿给人便宜也 不要佔人便宜）. (This portion was delivered in Hokkien)
Mum started chanting NMHRGK in 1986. Her faith in the Gohonzon was pure – her prayers were always about others – particularly her family – her husband of 58 years, her children and grandchildren. Often, while chanting with her, I would hear her praying for our safety and our well-being. She had also expressed contentment with her full life. In her own words, (wa wa-kow liao - I have lived enough).
In the later years, she became more stoic about aging and death as a natural process – she chanted for it to be peaceful and pain free. Our prayers for her was also highly focused - that she should be in the highest life condition to transform her karma; to lessen her karmic retribution and to attain Buddhahood.
She achieved this ultimate victory on the 2nd September in our presence.
We are grateful for sharing her final moments – after offering her drops of her favorite Coke Zero and putting on her chanting beads. I whispered to her that it was alright to move on and to join our father.
With the strains of our chanting NMHRGK, Mum gave us the ultimate gift when she broke into a small smile and concluded her full 85 years of life.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Stop Prolonged and Unnecessary Medical Procedures....(Achieving a consensus on the right care for our elderly)
(This was sent to ST Forum Page but was unpublished. I think it is relevant in view of the many things happening to our healthcare system : - overcrowding in hospitals; high medical costs; untold pains of both patients and loved ones caused by risky and unnecessary medical procedures)
The medical care of an elderly patient is a complex one involving both clinical and non clinical considerations.This arises from the interactions amongst patient, loved ones and physician - each with at times differing intentions. I therefore agree that the highest level of care and comfort should form the paramount basis for any and every decision. The ultimate goal must be to help patients regain a reasonable level of functions - physically, mentally and emotionally.
In many surveys, elderly patients have indicated that they wish to spend their time (particularly the final hours at home where care should be made available. I think it is laudable that finally, efforts are being made to review the use of CPF for palliative care, and more resources (hopefully without too much bureaucratic delays) are being planned to invest in home care training of professionals etc.
The wishes of patients and their primary care givers should always take precedence. These must be determined at the outset. Since the clinical inputs of professionals are important, it is therefore vital that a comprehensive discussion of any recommendations pertaining to medical procedures be conducted before any action is taken. Such discussions should cover clinical as well as post procedural care and living condition. In the event that there is a conflict of opinions regarding the options for the patients - their wishes or those of their loved ones must prevail. This is to prevent decisions that will result in unnecessary pain to the patients, undue anguish to loved ones and financial hardship to the families.
The advice of physicians while to be respected must be subserved to those of the patients and their loved ones. Physicians should also be wary not to draw exceedingly alarmist scenarios that present loved ones or patients with only dire outcomes that force their hands on some of these decisions.
I feel very strongly that patients, their caregivers and loved ones should begin to take responsibility for medical decisions. I have heard of too many sad cases when these were prevailed by professionals at the expense of the dignity, care and comfort of patients
Monday, April 28, 2014
Care of our elderly Mum
I am writing this to help those who have to look after their elderly parents (frankly most of us would have this opportunity sometime in life). Our elderly parents are individuals and they are all different. However, certain aspects of care for them should be quite universal. I hope this post will start a conversation and sharing amongst friends and others who are in similar situations. Through it, we make our collective journey more bearable and theirs, easier too.
Mum's medical history- a hypoglycemia (low sugar level) episode
Mum is 84 years old. She has had a few hospitalizations lately - mainly for infections of the urinary tract/kidneys etc. She has been a diabetic since her 40s - we are grateful that with her underlying conditions, she is in the main good for her age.
This is in large part due to Dad's meticulous care - after she had a hypo episode when I was in my late 20s. I still remember vividly what happened. While sleeping late one Saturday morning, I was awoken by a commotion in the kitchen. Dad was washing a small towel at the sink. Mum was sitting on a chair - extremely pale and had a deep cut on her forehead.
Dad told me Mum fell and hit the raising on the floor of the kitchen. I changed and quickly brought her to her doctor. She had apparently not been monitoring and had low sugar. One of the more serious symptoms is fainting spells and the worst is of course shock and death.
Anyway, after the scare - Dad took it upon himself to very closely monitor Mum's medications and conditions. Of course Mum had a few other health issues during those years - she had diabetic retinopathy - bleeding of the veins in her eyes (which if untreated would have caused blindness). Her diabetes was so badly managed earlier on - at one point her reading was close to 40 (?) (our normal is 7).
After Dad passed away, I have kept her medical appointments and established a routine so our helper is able to assist in doing the necessary. This includes getting a medicine box with day/noon/evening/night slots as well as a list of her medications with instructions on the dosages. I also made sure she understood the purpose of each type of medicine.
Our helper is really a great help indeed. She also administers the insulin jabs for mum. I could never bring myself to do it :(
Mum had a fall
Mum had a fall two years ago while going to the toilet. She had walked and slipped. Luckily she did not fall backwards. Our helper was behind her and took her fall - Mum sat on the floor and fell on her.
She did not feel any pain and went back to bed. At about 3.40am, the helper woke me to let me know that Mum complained of pains in her groin.
I had returned from a late meeting and went straight to bed - so I slept through the fall too. I was afraid it was organic and quickly asked if she had any blood discharge or medical conditions during the day. The helper then told me about the fall.
I called for the ambulance and got her admitted right away. At the A & E, doctors did an x-ray and it showed a hair line crack of lumbar one - her back bone. Pains had surfaced in her groin/hip area. The only thing they could do for her was pain killers until the ward doctors took over.
I consulted my cousin who is an ortho surgeon - he gained access to mum's x rays and told us that she was lucky as ordinarily, a fall like this would have caused many splinters of the bones in her body. Given her age - her bones have in fact collapsed due to osteoporosis. I attribute her 'protected' condition to her regular intake of milk - that gave her ample calcium to ward off more serious damage from the fall.
After the fall, mum did complained of backaches - but she recovered quite quickly and well. We decided to let her wear adult diapers to avoid the risks of her waking up and falling in the middle of the night. She at first resisted but after our explanation, she relented.
How culture and superstition works on an elderly
Mum is not educated and her behavior is also driven by superstitions and old folks' tales about western medication etc. After we started chanting and became Buddhists - we began the process of letting her unlearn many of these - for example, not taking medicine during festive occasion like CNY. Not taking medicine for fear that it is too strong and damaging to her organs.
Her glucose readings now fluctuate between 7.7 to 8.6 now - with her regular insulin jabs and medicines. She goes for her quarterly polyclinic check-ups and yearly eye check plus kidney & liver panel tests. Everything being equal, she is good.
Beliefs and superstitions play a major role as far as medical care is concerned - particularly for the elderly and unfortunately also passed on to their care of their young too. The refusal of medication by caregivers for their loved ones has caused much anguish and unnecessary pain to everyone. This is something that education and hopefully wisdom will prevail.
Family's wish, Doctors' mandate
Our mandate to her doctors whenever she is admitted for any condition is simple - she must not be in any unnecessary pain - or major discomfort. If these are unavoidable, then whatever is allowed medically must be done to alleviate it.
Hallucinations
As she ages, Mum's sense of her surroundings and her timings are not in-tuned. She has lapses of memory and her lucidity also waxes and wane. After her recent two bouts of urinary tract infections, she had started to have episodes of wakefulness in the middle of the night (rather early hours of the morning). Our helper who sleeps with her told us she woke up and asked to go home (Paya Lebar - her childhood home). At times, she would asked for my Dad and mistook her for Geok.
In the morning, she would be lucid again - and was unable to recollect anything about the night before. We are monitoring the situation and am prepared to activate night care if this worsens. In the meantime, she is her smiley self during the daytime.
Her routine, gadgets and all
She still chants twice a day and goes for her garden strolls in the evening. Her weekday visits to the Foo Hai Elderly Lodge at marine parade still continues. This is where she has her fellow elderly friends and her exercises. We explored this some 8 months ago after she became restless at home and have been pleased with this arrangement. She goes there from 930am till 4.30pm, weekends and public holidays excluded. This has given me a good 6-hour respite. Geok plays cards with her every Sunday. We also give Mum a deck of playing cards to play by herself and occasionally she gets to do that with her elderly friends at Foo Hai. We also bought her a Acer tablet to let her watch her Hokkien drama series (with headset as her hearing is quite hard now).
Home-doctor care
During her recent hospitalization, the doctor at her ward discussed with us about getting home care - via the Agency For Integrated Care (AIC). Nurses and doctors (St Andrew's is her assigned hospital - the other available is Home Nursing Foundation) will make periodic visits at home to monitor her chronic conditions such as diabetes and high cholesterol. She would not be required to visit the polyclinic for her check ups and medicine. These would be done at home. I think this is a good measure and certainly helps to lighten the load of caregivers.
She receives subsidies based on means testing done some two years ago - so the costs of these are manageable.
Thanks
Mum's medical history- a hypoglycemia (low sugar level) episode
Mum is 84 years old. She has had a few hospitalizations lately - mainly for infections of the urinary tract/kidneys etc. She has been a diabetic since her 40s - we are grateful that with her underlying conditions, she is in the main good for her age.
This is in large part due to Dad's meticulous care - after she had a hypo episode when I was in my late 20s. I still remember vividly what happened. While sleeping late one Saturday morning, I was awoken by a commotion in the kitchen. Dad was washing a small towel at the sink. Mum was sitting on a chair - extremely pale and had a deep cut on her forehead.
Dad told me Mum fell and hit the raising on the floor of the kitchen. I changed and quickly brought her to her doctor. She had apparently not been monitoring and had low sugar. One of the more serious symptoms is fainting spells and the worst is of course shock and death.
Anyway, after the scare - Dad took it upon himself to very closely monitor Mum's medications and conditions. Of course Mum had a few other health issues during those years - she had diabetic retinopathy - bleeding of the veins in her eyes (which if untreated would have caused blindness). Her diabetes was so badly managed earlier on - at one point her reading was close to 40 (?) (our normal is 7).
After Dad passed away, I have kept her medical appointments and established a routine so our helper is able to assist in doing the necessary. This includes getting a medicine box with day/noon/evening/night slots as well as a list of her medications with instructions on the dosages. I also made sure she understood the purpose of each type of medicine.
Our helper is really a great help indeed. She also administers the insulin jabs for mum. I could never bring myself to do it :(
Mum had a fall
Mum had a fall two years ago while going to the toilet. She had walked and slipped. Luckily she did not fall backwards. Our helper was behind her and took her fall - Mum sat on the floor and fell on her.
She did not feel any pain and went back to bed. At about 3.40am, the helper woke me to let me know that Mum complained of pains in her groin.
I had returned from a late meeting and went straight to bed - so I slept through the fall too. I was afraid it was organic and quickly asked if she had any blood discharge or medical conditions during the day. The helper then told me about the fall.
I called for the ambulance and got her admitted right away. At the A & E, doctors did an x-ray and it showed a hair line crack of lumbar one - her back bone. Pains had surfaced in her groin/hip area. The only thing they could do for her was pain killers until the ward doctors took over.
I consulted my cousin who is an ortho surgeon - he gained access to mum's x rays and told us that she was lucky as ordinarily, a fall like this would have caused many splinters of the bones in her body. Given her age - her bones have in fact collapsed due to osteoporosis. I attribute her 'protected' condition to her regular intake of milk - that gave her ample calcium to ward off more serious damage from the fall.
After the fall, mum did complained of backaches - but she recovered quite quickly and well. We decided to let her wear adult diapers to avoid the risks of her waking up and falling in the middle of the night. She at first resisted but after our explanation, she relented.
How culture and superstition works on an elderly
Mum is not educated and her behavior is also driven by superstitions and old folks' tales about western medication etc. After we started chanting and became Buddhists - we began the process of letting her unlearn many of these - for example, not taking medicine during festive occasion like CNY. Not taking medicine for fear that it is too strong and damaging to her organs.
Her glucose readings now fluctuate between 7.7 to 8.6 now - with her regular insulin jabs and medicines. She goes for her quarterly polyclinic check-ups and yearly eye check plus kidney & liver panel tests. Everything being equal, she is good.
Beliefs and superstitions play a major role as far as medical care is concerned - particularly for the elderly and unfortunately also passed on to their care of their young too. The refusal of medication by caregivers for their loved ones has caused much anguish and unnecessary pain to everyone. This is something that education and hopefully wisdom will prevail.
Family's wish, Doctors' mandate
Our mandate to her doctors whenever she is admitted for any condition is simple - she must not be in any unnecessary pain - or major discomfort. If these are unavoidable, then whatever is allowed medically must be done to alleviate it.
Hallucinations
As she ages, Mum's sense of her surroundings and her timings are not in-tuned. She has lapses of memory and her lucidity also waxes and wane. After her recent two bouts of urinary tract infections, she had started to have episodes of wakefulness in the middle of the night (rather early hours of the morning). Our helper who sleeps with her told us she woke up and asked to go home (Paya Lebar - her childhood home). At times, she would asked for my Dad and mistook her for Geok.
In the morning, she would be lucid again - and was unable to recollect anything about the night before. We are monitoring the situation and am prepared to activate night care if this worsens. In the meantime, she is her smiley self during the daytime.
Her routine, gadgets and all
She still chants twice a day and goes for her garden strolls in the evening. Her weekday visits to the Foo Hai Elderly Lodge at marine parade still continues. This is where she has her fellow elderly friends and her exercises. We explored this some 8 months ago after she became restless at home and have been pleased with this arrangement. She goes there from 930am till 4.30pm, weekends and public holidays excluded. This has given me a good 6-hour respite. Geok plays cards with her every Sunday. We also give Mum a deck of playing cards to play by herself and occasionally she gets to do that with her elderly friends at Foo Hai. We also bought her a Acer tablet to let her watch her Hokkien drama series (with headset as her hearing is quite hard now).
Home-doctor care
During her recent hospitalization, the doctor at her ward discussed with us about getting home care - via the Agency For Integrated Care (AIC). Nurses and doctors (St Andrew's is her assigned hospital - the other available is Home Nursing Foundation) will make periodic visits at home to monitor her chronic conditions such as diabetes and high cholesterol. She would not be required to visit the polyclinic for her check ups and medicine. These would be done at home. I think this is a good measure and certainly helps to lighten the load of caregivers.
She receives subsidies based on means testing done some two years ago - so the costs of these are manageable.
Thanks
Saturday, June 22, 2013
An Old Friend and New Connections
I once posted a greeting card I received from an ex-colleague, Mdm Goh. I worked with her during my tenure as the Manager of the SAFRA Clubhouse. Mdm Goh (Janet) was a receptionist we recruited when the clubhouse renovated and we needed to beef up the staffing at the front desk.
Janet was given a golden handshake after 25 years with MayBank. She was only 48yo when she joined us at SAFRA. I found her to be very lively and a keen learner even at her age. She is married to the same man for 32 years and they never had any children.
After I left SAFRA in 1991, Janet had been sending me yearly greeting cards. In those cards, she would write quite lengthily of how she was grateful for the years of working with SAFRA and the opportunity we had given her. She would often shower my family and me with blessings from God. She is a devout Christian and knows I am a practicing Buddhist. It is always very heart warming to receive her cards.
On 19 May 2013, I received an SMS from Janet :-
"blessings 2 u bernard i just want 2 tell u my husband passed away on O2 may. it was a sudden death he fell down when the ambulance came he was already in coma the doctor told me his brain vessel burst n also a clot in the brain. the doctor says if he comes round he will b a vegetable. bernard i have 2 learn n get used 2 staying alone. everynight before i go 2 bed he wil make a drink 4 me now the drink maker is gone we go out together quite often he told me now that we r retired we have alot of time 2 spent together my constant companion is no more before they close the coffin a final look at him i say my final sayonara 2 him. he is 78 years he is in Heaven."
I immediately returned her call - she was crying and repeated what she said in her SMS. I was overcame with emotion and held back my tears as I tried to comfort her. I told her that I would meet her soon to catch up.
When we caught up, we had a very good chat and caught up at her place near the Soka HQ. We had a good lunch after that and I took a walk with her near the coffeeshop. She was in a much better spirit and was her chatty self. She then told me that she wanted to make a passport as her late husband did not like traveling so her old one had expired. I offered to help her and we took a walk to the nearby photo studio to have one taken. Interestingly, the studio also had a copy of the application form from ICA.
After the visit, I came back and proceeded to mail the form for her. I promised that once ICA informed her that the passport was ready, I would accompany her to pick it up.
It felt good to be able to reconnect with her and do so many practical things for her. Janet is 73 yo this year. She is very healthy with no other known medical conditions. She has a voracious appetite too :p.
Last week, I brought Janet to collect her ready passport. Before that, we managed to make an appointment for the collection too or else it would have taken her more than 2 hours do so. We again went to Kallang Leisure Park for lunch. She told me that with the new passport, she would be traveling with her friends from church and her primary school :p Her niece would also be bringing her for trips too. I am very pleased to be of some help and comfort. I especially also enjoyed her regaling me stories of her childhood and 32 yo marriage to her late hubby. I am particularly comforted that she has many friends and loved ones who are looking out for her.
An old friend has started new connections.
Janet was given a golden handshake after 25 years with MayBank. She was only 48yo when she joined us at SAFRA. I found her to be very lively and a keen learner even at her age. She is married to the same man for 32 years and they never had any children.
After I left SAFRA in 1991, Janet had been sending me yearly greeting cards. In those cards, she would write quite lengthily of how she was grateful for the years of working with SAFRA and the opportunity we had given her. She would often shower my family and me with blessings from God. She is a devout Christian and knows I am a practicing Buddhist. It is always very heart warming to receive her cards.
On 19 May 2013, I received an SMS from Janet :-
"blessings 2 u bernard i just want 2 tell u my husband passed away on O2 may. it was a sudden death he fell down when the ambulance came he was already in coma the doctor told me his brain vessel burst n also a clot in the brain. the doctor says if he comes round he will b a vegetable. bernard i have 2 learn n get used 2 staying alone. everynight before i go 2 bed he wil make a drink 4 me now the drink maker is gone we go out together quite often he told me now that we r retired we have alot of time 2 spent together my constant companion is no more before they close the coffin a final look at him i say my final sayonara 2 him. he is 78 years he is in Heaven."
I immediately returned her call - she was crying and repeated what she said in her SMS. I was overcame with emotion and held back my tears as I tried to comfort her. I told her that I would meet her soon to catch up.
When we caught up, we had a very good chat and caught up at her place near the Soka HQ. We had a good lunch after that and I took a walk with her near the coffeeshop. She was in a much better spirit and was her chatty self. She then told me that she wanted to make a passport as her late husband did not like traveling so her old one had expired. I offered to help her and we took a walk to the nearby photo studio to have one taken. Interestingly, the studio also had a copy of the application form from ICA.
After the visit, I came back and proceeded to mail the form for her. I promised that once ICA informed her that the passport was ready, I would accompany her to pick it up.
It felt good to be able to reconnect with her and do so many practical things for her. Janet is 73 yo this year. She is very healthy with no other known medical conditions. She has a voracious appetite too :p.
Last week, I brought Janet to collect her ready passport. Before that, we managed to make an appointment for the collection too or else it would have taken her more than 2 hours do so. We again went to Kallang Leisure Park for lunch. She told me that with the new passport, she would be traveling with her friends from church and her primary school :p Her niece would also be bringing her for trips too. I am very pleased to be of some help and comfort. I especially also enjoyed her regaling me stories of her childhood and 32 yo marriage to her late hubby. I am particularly comforted that she has many friends and loved ones who are looking out for her.
An old friend has started new connections.
Empathy and How It Works On My Noisy Neighbors
Recently, I encountered a problem with an upstairs neighbor. You see, over the almost 5 years living here, I never realized how noisy they have been. Perhaps with my flexible working arrangements, I stay at home a lot more.
There are two parts to the noise issue. Firstly, I believe they are operating some kind of repair business in their house. This means quite regular knocking and heavy movement of equipment throughout the day. Second, perhaps more tolerable and understandable, there are noises from their two young girls.
One day, my nephew was helping his exams when I decided to visit the neighbor to gently ask them to pipe down the first source of noise. The young man was nervous and came out of the house, presumably to prevent me from getting to near to the gate to see what was going on. I saw some window grille on the floor and another man peeping out to look at me as I spoke to the first man.
He got defensive and told me that even he had problems with noises from his upstairs neighbors. When I suggested that he might want to inform HDB about it, he told me in a brush, that perhaps that I should do that. I shook my head and left.
In the 5 years living here, we have been good neighbors. The patriarch was a friendly man who also engaged in nice banter whenever we met in the void deck. After he passed away, I had to engage the matriarch twice as there was water seepage from their toilets and kitchen that required repairs by HDB appointed contractors. Overall, I would rate the relations as cordial. I even explained to one of the sons and asked for his understanding regarding the repair to the ceiling which needed us both to share costs.
So how do I deal with the noises. I have decided to co-exist with it. I have spoken to the HDB officer in charge of our block - he had kindly offered to visit my neighbor but I told him to let me monitor the situation. My reasons are quite multifaceted. I do not wish to upset the dynamics of our neighborliness. The situation compared to those I read online is still manageable since I do not have noises into the unholy hours of the night or early morning. The main reason is the first source of noise originates from the young father who needs to support his family of two young toddlers.
I know it might sound holier than thou or even exceedingly altruistic. I really worked this last reason internally. I see the two young girls going to child care on occasional mornings and have seen the young man going out with his family. They are not malicious people. Just our heartland Singaporeans trying to make a living.
Some adjustments on my part however, have to be made to live with this new intrusion. I use a noise cancelling bluetooth headset to watch the TV. I also go out more to work or do my errands. Occasionally, I have had to put on my earplugs that block out both low frequency noises. Of course I listen to music on my computer if I need to work at home.
Friends have asked why I needed to compromise so much as it involves my home - my private sanctuary. I explained that it is really what comes with the territory - of communal living. Would I act on it ? Yes, eventually when the din becomes absolutely intolerable. For now, I want to take a higher moral ground. Hearing patter of the kids' feet when they return from child care in the afternoon is a sign of life, isn't it?
It helps that I am into gadgets :p. The noise cancelling headset is a great help that lets me enjoy movies and music even better. So is the expensive but highly effective ear plugs that work wonders.
There are two parts to the noise issue. Firstly, I believe they are operating some kind of repair business in their house. This means quite regular knocking and heavy movement of equipment throughout the day. Second, perhaps more tolerable and understandable, there are noises from their two young girls.
One day, my nephew was helping his exams when I decided to visit the neighbor to gently ask them to pipe down the first source of noise. The young man was nervous and came out of the house, presumably to prevent me from getting to near to the gate to see what was going on. I saw some window grille on the floor and another man peeping out to look at me as I spoke to the first man.
He got defensive and told me that even he had problems with noises from his upstairs neighbors. When I suggested that he might want to inform HDB about it, he told me in a brush, that perhaps that I should do that. I shook my head and left.
In the 5 years living here, we have been good neighbors. The patriarch was a friendly man who also engaged in nice banter whenever we met in the void deck. After he passed away, I had to engage the matriarch twice as there was water seepage from their toilets and kitchen that required repairs by HDB appointed contractors. Overall, I would rate the relations as cordial. I even explained to one of the sons and asked for his understanding regarding the repair to the ceiling which needed us both to share costs.
So how do I deal with the noises. I have decided to co-exist with it. I have spoken to the HDB officer in charge of our block - he had kindly offered to visit my neighbor but I told him to let me monitor the situation. My reasons are quite multifaceted. I do not wish to upset the dynamics of our neighborliness. The situation compared to those I read online is still manageable since I do not have noises into the unholy hours of the night or early morning. The main reason is the first source of noise originates from the young father who needs to support his family of two young toddlers.
I know it might sound holier than thou or even exceedingly altruistic. I really worked this last reason internally. I see the two young girls going to child care on occasional mornings and have seen the young man going out with his family. They are not malicious people. Just our heartland Singaporeans trying to make a living.
Some adjustments on my part however, have to be made to live with this new intrusion. I use a noise cancelling bluetooth headset to watch the TV. I also go out more to work or do my errands. Occasionally, I have had to put on my earplugs that block out both low frequency noises. Of course I listen to music on my computer if I need to work at home.
Friends have asked why I needed to compromise so much as it involves my home - my private sanctuary. I explained that it is really what comes with the territory - of communal living. Would I act on it ? Yes, eventually when the din becomes absolutely intolerable. For now, I want to take a higher moral ground. Hearing patter of the kids' feet when they return from child care in the afternoon is a sign of life, isn't it?
It helps that I am into gadgets :p. The noise cancelling headset is a great help that lets me enjoy movies and music even better. So is the expensive but highly effective ear plugs that work wonders.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Ideas for better aging....and a more gracious society...
Just returned from Katong 112 - the latest and supposedly hippest shopping mall that used to occupy old Katong Roxy mall. I went there with Mum and our helper for lunch. The mall is brand new - and many aspects are quite friendly.
Wheelchair-friendly toilets
There are toilets for wheelchair bound shoppers too. The toilet on Level 4 near to the food court was locked when we wanted to use - and the cleaner had to be located to open it. It is locked presumably to prevent abuse by other users, though it is really not necessary as the main toilets are ample.
My concern is, what if it is an 'emergency' ;p ? The lift (there is only one) is quite a distance and the cleaner with the only key to open is not to be found anywhere near? This is quite operational and unless one is in that situation, it might seemed nitpicking. Anyway, it is something for mall/building owners to note and improve on.
Usage of elevator
The mall provides a nice travelator that brings those who park to level 1 and thereafter with escalators to all levels. I notice that practically everyone uses the elevator - and because there is only one, those who need it - like Mum with her wheelchair as well as many elderly who are less mobile, or even parents with strollers end up having to wait even longer for the already slow transporter.
I think mall/building owners might want to consider putting up polite notices to 'remind' shoppers to give way to users who are more in need. It is also useful to point shoppers to nearby too. I saw some of the worst behavior just now - able bodied shoppers who squeezed and held back the elevators just to get in - only to go one level up. :( This is something that happens to even our own HDB lifts but then its a different gripe :p
I think the small Ps and Rs have really been forgotten by building owners in their pursuit of huge and often wasteful big PR exercises.
MCYS has a campaign to promote family friendliness and there had been many ministerial level committees to look at making Singapore more elderly friendly. Are we losing the trees for the forest?
Some ideas for better aging....
Wheelchair-friendly toilets
There are toilets for wheelchair bound shoppers too. The toilet on Level 4 near to the food court was locked when we wanted to use - and the cleaner had to be located to open it. It is locked presumably to prevent abuse by other users, though it is really not necessary as the main toilets are ample.
My concern is, what if it is an 'emergency' ;p ? The lift (there is only one) is quite a distance and the cleaner with the only key to open is not to be found anywhere near? This is quite operational and unless one is in that situation, it might seemed nitpicking. Anyway, it is something for mall/building owners to note and improve on.
Usage of elevator
The mall provides a nice travelator that brings those who park to level 1 and thereafter with escalators to all levels. I notice that practically everyone uses the elevator - and because there is only one, those who need it - like Mum with her wheelchair as well as many elderly who are less mobile, or even parents with strollers end up having to wait even longer for the already slow transporter.
I think mall/building owners might want to consider putting up polite notices to 'remind' shoppers to give way to users who are more in need. It is also useful to point shoppers to nearby too. I saw some of the worst behavior just now - able bodied shoppers who squeezed and held back the elevators just to get in - only to go one level up. :( This is something that happens to even our own HDB lifts but then its a different gripe :p
I think the small Ps and Rs have really been forgotten by building owners in their pursuit of huge and often wasteful big PR exercises.
MCYS has a campaign to promote family friendliness and there had been many ministerial level committees to look at making Singapore more elderly friendly. Are we losing the trees for the forest?
Some ideas for better aging....
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Dangers of promoting a Culture of Envy
I spent more than 8 years with a local media company. I have also witnessed the impact of social media and the good as well as the bad it brings to our society. Media, particularly the mass platforms will continue to be a potent influence on the minds as well as the behavior of society.
It influences opinions and shapes the values that our young will grow up with.
I am concerned about the angle that reports in our mainstream media are taking. These are becoming very muddled between celebrating success and grovelling the haves of individuals. Success stories are important to motivate readers/viewers to aim higher in their lives and work towards their goals. But these stories must surely involve how the successes were achieved - EFFORTS and REWARDS must surely go hand-in-hand !
Yes, there are people who are just plain lucky - or even fortunate to get the help and enjoy the generosity of others - then we must promote the values of help and compassion.
I have read and now stopped doing so altogether - the money page of Sunday Times that interviews individuals on how they manage their funds. It almost always concludes with where you live (answer - a condominium or two-storey semi-D etc), what is your best investment (answer - I invested in something and now the value has tripled etc).
The reports on the Ferrari accident that involved a taxi driver and a motorcyclist again contained information that I feel is really irrelevant and unhelpful to this atmosphere of unhappiness with foreigners. The driver of the Ferrari was a young China financial consultant who (bought a $820,000 private house in the east), and had just bought the sports car worth $xxx, 000).
I do not see the relevance of such details to the accident report. Yes, it sells newspapers but surely there are cheaper (pun intended) platform to report them. We should be doing the humanistic reporting - how is the injured, how are their families coping, how can the compassionate individuals go about offering help. Of course, these reports have subsequently been made on the taxi-driver and his young kids.
Is gutter reporting a way of our lives now?
It influences opinions and shapes the values that our young will grow up with.
I am concerned about the angle that reports in our mainstream media are taking. These are becoming very muddled between celebrating success and grovelling the haves of individuals. Success stories are important to motivate readers/viewers to aim higher in their lives and work towards their goals. But these stories must surely involve how the successes were achieved - EFFORTS and REWARDS must surely go hand-in-hand !
Yes, there are people who are just plain lucky - or even fortunate to get the help and enjoy the generosity of others - then we must promote the values of help and compassion.
I have read and now stopped doing so altogether - the money page of Sunday Times that interviews individuals on how they manage their funds. It almost always concludes with where you live (answer - a condominium or two-storey semi-D etc), what is your best investment (answer - I invested in something and now the value has tripled etc).
The reports on the Ferrari accident that involved a taxi driver and a motorcyclist again contained information that I feel is really irrelevant and unhelpful to this atmosphere of unhappiness with foreigners. The driver of the Ferrari was a young China financial consultant who (bought a $820,000 private house in the east), and had just bought the sports car worth $xxx, 000).
I do not see the relevance of such details to the accident report. Yes, it sells newspapers but surely there are cheaper (pun intended) platform to report them. We should be doing the humanistic reporting - how is the injured, how are their families coping, how can the compassionate individuals go about offering help. Of course, these reports have subsequently been made on the taxi-driver and his young kids.
Is gutter reporting a way of our lives now?
Saturday, May 12, 2012
'Maid' to do EVERYTHING...
I was having dinner at a restaurant in the Triple One building on Saturday. It has a full view of Orchard Boulevard Road.
I noticed an MPV parked alongside Paterson Road with 2 domestic helpers almost struggling to help an elderly man onto his wheelchair. The driver, a big man of about 1.9m was standing on the side barking orders at the two petite helpers. Another vehicle with a family was parked behind and from the flurry of activities, I can only deduce that the driver is a family member.
My reaction was one of disappointment that a huge effort by two female helpers could have been an act of filial duty that would have also been easily carried out by this able-bodied male family member. This could have been done as a matter of practical need as the the elderly could have fallen from the car. I think even a concierge or valet of a building would have felt this act of compassion. A separate incident - this time involving a young mother in her early 30s at Parkway Parade. She was with her three kids.
Except for the toddler carried by her helper, the other two are quite big waking on their own. The helper was walking behind with both the toddler in arm and a big bag. She kept having to adjust as the total weight must have been a real strain on her small frame. Certainly the Ma'am could have 'helped' the helper instead of risking her tripped over with her kid? To be fair, I do not pretend to know the dynamics of these families.
However, I think the behavior of the employers touch on human decency or rather, lack of. I agree that we need to seriously look at how we treat our domestic helpers - and this must go beyond not calling them maids - I am more concerned that we have become a society that is over-reliant on them for even the most basic of chores.
The longer term implication of this mentality is what this signals to our young and how they will treat others in turn.
My reaction was one of disappointment that a huge effort by two female helpers could have been an act of filial duty that would have also been easily carried out by this able-bodied male family member. This could have been done as a matter of practical need as the the elderly could have fallen from the car. I think even a concierge or valet of a building would have felt this act of compassion. A separate incident - this time involving a young mother in her early 30s at Parkway Parade. She was with her three kids.
Except for the toddler carried by her helper, the other two are quite big waking on their own. The helper was walking behind with both the toddler in arm and a big bag. She kept having to adjust as the total weight must have been a real strain on her small frame. Certainly the Ma'am could have 'helped' the helper instead of risking her tripped over with her kid? To be fair, I do not pretend to know the dynamics of these families.
However, I think the behavior of the employers touch on human decency or rather, lack of. I agree that we need to seriously look at how we treat our domestic helpers - and this must go beyond not calling them maids - I am more concerned that we have become a society that is over-reliant on them for even the most basic of chores.
The longer term implication of this mentality is what this signals to our young and how they will treat others in turn.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Turning 50…at 45..
This post is inspired by the feature special in the Straits Times on Saturday 12 May 12, 2012 on Turning 50 and why as well as how many left their senior corporate jobs to seek out less financially rewarding but more enriching work. I took that left turn at 45 in 2007 – hence, the title.
I took my first trip to Los Angeles and San Francisco in
2006. It was a spur of the moment
decision. There was no itinerary
and not pre-planned. The idea was
to fly over and catch up with a friend and take a road trip between the two
cities.
I was also at a crossroad – I was 44 and had been reflecting
on what the future held for me at my job.
I was a Chief Operating Officer/Director of Sales & Marketing in a
local media company. By all accounts,
it was a good job – I had a marina bay view office, a secretary with a team of
almost 40 staff. There was no
‘push’ factor in corporate speak – reasons to leave. I had the trappings of the senior management job –
invitations to social events, reasonably good pay and a highly motivated team
of colleagues who made my work sufficiently challenging. There was nevertheless still a longing
– and a terrible fear that I might actually ‘retire’ in this job.
Of course, there was no ‘pull factor either – the options
for new careers at my age were very limited too.
The trip to the States was a ‘time-out’ in that sense.
I made plans to visit with members of Soka Gakkai in the USA
and to see the centers of activities too.
Events overtook my plans – the road trip with the friend did not take
place as he had jet lag and some family matters to resolve. I then decided to go for a train ride
on my own from LA to SF instead.
While the trip was quite eventful, I shall leave that to another post J.
During the 6-hour train ride, I had much time in my hands to
really reflect on my job situation and life in general. I worked out a personal SWOT
(Strength-Weakness-Opportunity-Threat) analysis. I was very candid with myself on what I was good and bad
at. I also thought about what
options were available if I decided that I do not wish to continue working at
my job.
The exercise was cathartic – I came out of it with a renewed
sense of self-confidence regarding my options.
I then developed a 1-year timeline to realize my plans.
The biggest hurdle was getting out of my comfort (and
frankly very cozy too) zone. I had
to engage in visualizations of how life would be without the job, the
designation, and of course the financial means. In the words of a good friend I consulted who also left his
high paying job – Peter Chow (father of Jason Chow, an ex colleague from my
radio station days) – when you go to the ATM and punched in your pin number on
your ‘payday’ and see that there is no new cash balance – that is the wake up
call. It might sound animated now
– but that experience was quite scary.
There are some concrete steps to take preceding the
plunge. I have organized them
below so it is easier for readers.
I am single and therefore the dynamics involved might be simpler. However, those with family might find
the process equally helpful in bonding with loved ones J
(a) Do
a critical review of your budget – what you owe and own. Decide if what you owe is important –
can they be disposed so you really cut down on your financial commitments – an
obvious example would be a car.
(b) Identify
the ‘must-haves’ – do you have the means to maintain – for example, the house –
what options what do you have in respect of that – a re-mortgage?
(c) Make sure all the insurance needs –
particularly medical/healthcare as well as protection cover are paid and in
force – this is a ‘must-have’ and is important to maintain. It provides a much needed sense of
assurance to not only yourself but your loved ones too.
(d) Keep
the lines of finance alive – credit cards with the credit line or financing
options – but, and this is a BIG BUT – only if you have the discipline to not
activate them at the slightest impulse.
:p This is an advice from
another friend, Howard who himself left his corporate job.
(e) Once
the SWOT has been done, you would have a sense of what work options are
there. For me, it was teaching,
mentoring, coaching or consultancy work.
I did not yet have specific job in mind but it provided a direction. Though I had much corporate experience,
I felt I needed a competency – skills or technical knowledge that would frame
the wealth of corporate experience – so that they can be brought to the new
work.
I
found the 6-Seconds Emotional Intelligence certification as an Associate
Trainer and Executive Coach and enrolled.
I did not want to go for the ‘commercially’ popular courses – I chose
the EQ courses because I agreed with the values that they promoted and could
see the practical aspects of the various skills that I was taught.
In 2007, I tendered my resignation. My parents were very concerned and so
were family members. I assured
them that my financials were stable.
I had bought much protection insurance over the years – and some had
matured with positive values. I
also had a private property, which was leased out.
Since then, I had conducted EQ courses for corporations in
cities such as Hanoi, Jakarta and locally. I also found part-time teaching assignments with NUS and
UniSim.
As I will literally turn 50 this year, I am happy with how my decision to leave full-time corporate
work has worked out. I assure you that there were many moments of anxiety and even fear about what the future holds - but I agree fully with the comment made by one of those featured in the article -"we can live with less money but not less time"
I find much
time to do the things I enjoy – and most of all spend time with family members
particularly with my parents and siblings as well as good friends too. Contrary to what many people think - I do have things to look forward to - everyday. :-)
(Note - I will be happy to help anyone who is at this similar crossroad - a chat, or even an actual coaching session - gratis :p)
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