Dad has cancer

Events over the last 16 days came unraveling this morning at 11am. Dad was finally told he has cancer of the lung with traces of the cells in his stomach.

Dad is 80 years old. When I first heard the news - I was devastated. So were my siblings. Crying became a daily routine. We were unsure if we should share the bad news with Dad - we felt he should not know as it might serve no purpose other than to worry him unnecessarily.

His team of doctors from Changi Hospital headed by Dr Seow Chuin - the respiratory consultant and Dr Jeannie Ong, the gastro consultant were of the opinion both ethically and treatment wise -Dad should know. We then decided that we should break the news to him - mainly because we want him to be engaged in the process of his care and treatment moving forward.


I must add that we could not ask for a stronger and better team of doctors. Particularly Dr Seow who has until this morning displayed extremely high professionalism and impeccable bedside manners. Dad himself had complimented him numerous times - even mistaking him to be my friend as he was very caring towards Dad. The same must be said of Dr Ong whom Dad commended for being kind and gentle in her administration of the endoscopy. Dad had expressed reservation to both Geok and me as he recalled his friend's experience some 20 years ago. Dr Ong was able to put Dad at very much ease that he even said he could not recall that it was even done. He also admitted to me that he had recited Nam-myo-ho-renge-kyo under his breath while being wheeled into the operating theatre.

The manner in which Dr Seow shared the news was witnessed by Huat, my 3rd older brother and Geok, my older sister. All concurred that his measured manner of engaging my Dad was indeed helpful.

Dad's health problems started about 1.5 months ago. He had together with Mum who is 81 always enjoyed good health other than the common ailments of aging. In fact, it was only in the past two years that we have had to pay visits to clinics or hospitals with them. For close to 15 years, they had been doing their regular checkups on their own at the polyclinic.

For this - all of us are extremely grateful.

He had at first complained of aches at the right mid section of his back - attributing it to rheumatism. We had brought him to TCM clinics and even physio-therapists as well as consulted his cardiologist.

Symptomatically, the relief was temporary. However, between 2 to 3 October, I sensed that his discomfort of the stomach was getting quite acute. On the morning of the 4th, I then decided to bring him into A & E at Changi Hospital. An X-ray was done and the doctor found his digestive system congested. An enema was done and Dad felt better and we got him home.

In the afternoon, he complained that his symptoms were returning. I asked him if he would like to be readmitted to A & E to get it checked, he declined as our appointment with a gastro specialist was due the following day.

On 5th October, while waiting for his appointment at 2pm, I had begun daily chanting in the morning - setting my target of completing 3 hours so that we would have ample time to make it to the clinic after lunch.

At 12pm, we received a call from the hospital. The doctor from the A & E asked how Dad was doing and when I said the symptoms had persisted, told me that portion of the X-ray that caught the right lung showed fluid. He asked that Dad be brought back to the hospital.

The admission was a dizzy at A & E. Dad was ambulant and lucid. He followed me through the admission process. Upon admission, the team of specialists was called to examine him. The first inkling that we were dealing with something more sinister came when Dr Pinakin briefed me.

He mentioned that fluid in the lung has few possible causes - one it is simply an infection cleared with a dose of antibiotics; the other possibility if tuberculosis - also curable but with a more complex regime of treatment. Finally, he mentioned the word, malignancy (cancer to the lay person).

I was hopeful that it might be just an infection or at worst TB. Dad had TB some 35 years ago - he had related his experience to us before. He was supposed to have succumbed to it because it was a fatal disease then. He also told us that he did not like the quarantine and isolation needed for treatment.

He was saved by a trial drug then. We quipped, more than half serious that both Geok and I would not be here today if the wonder drug had not been introduced then.

A few procedures were carried out for Dad in the interim. Sample of his fluid was drawn for test. Dr Seow who later briefed me on the result was gentler with the news but was more hopeful in his prognosis.

He later ordered a full draining of the fluid - in all, 2.3 liter was emptied. A biopsy was carried out on Dad's lung tissue. Confirmation of advanced adenocarcinoma came one day later - advanced lung cancer in lay terms.

The procedure to extract the lung tissue was in Dad's words, the worst pain of his 80 years of life. Hearing him described it this manner was like a knife gnawing in all us. Dr Seow assured us that it was not the draining of the fluid (as this would recur as the disease progresses). It was the extraction of the lung tissue for the biopsy.

However, Dad's complaints of his bloating and lack of appetite persisted. Doctors were of the opinion that the fluid in his lung was a more immediate issue that needed to be addressed.

Be Kind, or at least Be Nice :-))

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Jul 30, 2010

Let's be courtesy role models

I REFER to the letters on Tuesday by Madam Ng Bee Lay and Dr Lee Siew Peng ("The P's and Q's of S'porean courtesy") and Mr Christopher Chok ("Foreign custom worth trying").

Like Mr Chok, I make it a point to thank service personnel, especially bus drivers and other staff such as dish collectors at food centres, cashiers at supermarkets and courteous store assistants.

The sometimes surprised reactions I get belie what must be a dire lack of simple courtesy in our midst.

It is time we make a stand on what society we want for Singapore. Acts of kindness and courteous behaviour know no bounds and are universal, although they may be expressed differently.

While we need to reflect on our social behaviour, we also need to define what is desirable or acceptable in our society - more so as we welcome new citizens and foreigners in our midst. We need to encourage a gentler and kinder society as this affects our quality of life.

We set the tone by our own behaviour through the proverbial "do unto others" saying. We can make living in our overcrowded environment more pleasant through simple acts of kindness such as holding the lift for others, saying "thanks" and even giving way to others.

I disagree with Dr Lee that we have lost a generation who were raised by maids and are impolite, as being courteous was not required of them. The onus of how our future generation behaves rests squarely on us as parents or elders in the family.

I insisted that my nephews and nieces say "thanks" to our maid for preparing food for them and washing their dishes. This was also expected of them when they encountered service staff whenever we went out. I see the positive results of this early socialisation now that they are well brought up adults.

For those who are inclined to reciprocate poor behaviour with rude responses, I say "two wrongs do not make a right". As "owners" of our own society, it is time we define how we want to be treated ourselves and act accordingly.

Bernard Law

Caring For Parents - It takes more than a maid - Straits Times 20 May 2010 Forum

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May 20, 2010

CARING FOR PARENTS

It takes more than a maid

IT IS true that - as yesterday's report, 'Who's really caring for Singapore's elderly?', suggested - maids have become a permanent fixture in families with elderly people.

But it is heartening to see children of the elderly accompanying them to medical appointments at hospitals and clinics. Many children of the elderly are baby boomers in their late 40s and early 50s. Most belong to the 'sandwich generation', where they have to care for their ageing parents while supporting their own children.

Maids play an important role in the larger scheme of elder care. They undertake many tasks that may be mundane, but are physically demanding.

My parents are in their 80s and I am their main caregiver. My siblings are very supportive through sharing in the financial needs of their care.

My siblings, who are older than me, also make deliberate and willing efforts to visit as well as spend time with them. For this, I am grateful and immensely appreciative.

We have the good fortune of having a father who helps out in caring for my mum.

We are also grateful in having Methi, our maid, who is now very much a part of our family. She is patient and meticulous. And she is good with my parents who find her pleasant and kind.�

While the physical support of looking after our elderly can be fulfilled by maids, the emotional as well as mental needs can never be relegated to them. This needs time and much effort.

The most basic daily interaction beyond the family gatherings during special occasions are critical to the well-being of our elderly.

Most often, what they need is a family member to chat with - and not feel neglected or abandoned.

I agree with Professor Brenda Yeoh's suggestion in yesterday's report ('Peg levy to maid's skill in elder care?') that more can be done to recognise the role of maids in caring for the elderly.

A more important dynamic in the new caregiving relationship between the elderly and maids is how we as family members treat our parents.

Maids will, like our children, take their cues from how we show respect and love towards our parents.�

Bernard Law

Salute to Mothers - 16 May 2010 - Original Draft

I am extremely touched by the stories of Mmes Tay Et and Lim Kwee Lan in the Sunday Times today.

I am sure there are many millions of Mothers around the world who toil selflessly everyday for their children and families. We should salute them, not just on Mothers' Day but everyday.

Both Mothers make great sacrifices on a daily basis, to preserve the dignity of their children in spite of the many practical constraints. They would rather celebrate life than lament its many imperfections. Their sense of gratitude humble us - they see the glass as half-full - comparing their sons' filial piety to those who might be able-bodied yet chose lesser manner to live their lives.

I am particularly moved by Mdm Tay's commitment to let Kevin live the fullest possible though his condition is deteriorating. In the face of the inevitable in our daily lives, many have shown lesser courage.

I wish both of them and their families - resilience to deal with the daily challenges. Both of them have taught us the most important lesson in life - to live and through others live even better. They must take great comfort that they have shown the highest sacrifice possible to another human.


Bernard C G Law

Our Brother - Cher Hock

Life’s Humblest Moment

In the over 20 years of my faith in the Mystic Law, I have often come across guidance that allude to the ‘final victory’ or ‘winning in life’. Though I know what these phrases meant, I could not truly say I understand them. I have always tended to associate them to winning over the many existential challenges such as getting the coveted job; overcoming illnesses amongst others.

.When I received the phone call from my niece that he has suffered a sudden heart attack – many thoughts raced through my mind. It was the first time that it had happened to an immediate member of our family. We read or hear of deaths every time – we come across them in the newspapers, we hear of our friend’s and their friends dying of many causes. While we were sad, it remained someone else.

Only when it happened to your own dear and close one can you truly say you understand what a loss like that means. As I was involved intimately with the many events until his final rest, I found myself having to piece all the information up until his death to give my grieving family members comfort.

Seeing my brother deceased and on the hospital bed must count as my life’s most humbling moment – I witnessed the ultimate law in our existence – that of impermanence. For those moments as I wept and told him that he should rest while we commit to help him look after his family, all the human concerns meant nothing to me. All the riches in the world, the most intense arguments or quarrels one might have had with others, the most influential job or work that one aspire to be were meaningless to me.

Though he did not practice the Lotus Sutra, he knew about the chanting that my parents and we do at home. The only words that could come out of me was Nam-myo-ho-renge-kyo as I pray sincerely and earnestly that he has entered Buddhahood.

Hock had always been a responsible, cheerful and reticent person. He was a man of few words, preferring to show his emotions in his own small ways.

Hock is survived by his wife and four beautiful and lovely children. He also has a close-knit extended family – his parents, and 5 siblings of 4 brothers and 1 sister. As we grieve his loss, we found ourselves speculating and debating the many ‘what ifs’ or ‘what could have been’. He was a loving husband to his wife and a doting father to his kids. He took good care of his health – kept to his medication for his diabetes and exercised regularly while watching his diet.

He was a responsible man – precisely because he knew he had a family to look out for that he kept to quite a conscious regime of exercise and medication.

To those of us who knew him, we are comforted that he had lived a victorious life

In the Buddhist philosophy, life is eternal though our existence as we know it is impermanent. To borrow from a book I read entitled How We Die by Sherwin Nuland –

“…death is not a confrontation. It is simply an event in the sequence of nature’s ongoing rhythms. Even the confrontation with disease should be approached with the realization that many of the sicknesses of our species are simply conveyances for the inexorable journey by which each of us is returned to the same state of physical, and perhaps spiritual, nonexistence from which we emerged at conception. Every triumph over some major pathology, no matter how ringing the victory, is only a reprieve from the inevitable end.”

So what do we know – that life and death are permanent fixtures in this universe. It affects every phenomenon – from microcosms to humans to stars and galaxies. We also know that our karmic destiny is different from each other. Some are born poor, others rich, some are more fortunate in other aspects while the others are always struggling with different karma – of illnesses, financial or relationships and even careers.

As President Ikeda shared in guidance - “Our lives are ruled by impermanence. But simply realizing that changes nothing. There is no value in bleak pessimism. The challenge is how to create something of enduring value within the context of our impermanent lives. The Lotus Sutra teaches us to do this.”

We will always miss and remember him – but we must also celebrate his life. In the context of our Buddhist practice, – we must focus not on how he died but rather how he lived. We need to measure his life, not by how long or short it was, but by the values he had created and the impact he had on the lives of those around him. To us, we find great comfort knowing he had lived a fulfilling though some might say tough life.

He was the first in the family who stayed in a landed property; drove an MPV even before such cars was a craze in Singapore. He started his business and saw the ebbs and flows of the industry. He married and raised four sensible and beautiful children, three of whom have either completed or are doing their university education. His youngest child is also a sensible child who is doing well in school. His spouse is a good mother to their children and a pillar of support as well as a soul-mate to him.

He had always been kind to others – especially to us, his siblings and filial to his parents. I still remember when I lost my job in the early 90s, he found his own way to help me by giving me a big red packet during the lunar new year – because he did not want to compromise my pride by giving me a handout. Whenever we needed help to get some printing jobs done – name cards, letterheads and greeting cards etc, he would volunteer to do for us without expecting payment. The last time he printed for me was my EQ brochures and he even delivered to me personally.

For quite a period, he visited our parents weekly – though he had a very busy schedule of watching over operations and doing business development for his company.

With hindsight, we could not have wished for a fitting finish to his life – though we would have wanted for him to live to a ripe old age and go on to achieve even more – but our span in this existence is the working of our karma and the mystic law. His death was peaceful – his expression was serene. In the words of my mother, he looked rested as if in sleep. From piecing the information leading to his demise, the only pain he suffered must be the chest pains.

Hock’s passing made us think a lot about our own lives. They make us reaffirm our faith in the mystic law and to do the things that truly matter to us – and more importantly to show love and care towards our dear ones. We should commit ourselves to do more for kosen-rufu – to share the greatness of this philosophy with others and show more compassion to our fellow human beings.

The article in Lifestyle Magazine - more than 1 1/2 year late - :(

What is EQ ?

EQ is a fascinating subject. It gained widespread interest with the publication of Daniel Goleman’s book “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ” in 1996.

We now hear people at work or in social settings making references to EQ in various ways. Those who come across as abrupt, brushy or downright rude might be described as ‘lacking in EQ’, ‘have low or no EQ’, or ‘display EQ problems’. Conversely, those who are friendlier and get along well with others are called people ‘with high EQ’ or ‘good EQ’

Some people we encounter seemed to be able to get things done much faster and easier. They are friendlier or ‘popular’ with their co-workers or friends and are more confident. On the other hand, we come across others who are ‘offensive’ in their remarks or mannerisms. They may be highly competent in their jobs in the technical sense but display poor ‘people skills’.

However, EQ is more than just being nice. High or good EQ behaviors include a strong sense of self particularly in terms of emotions, high recovery skills in the face of setbacks or challenges, strong empathy as well as listening skills, a including approach in relationships and situations. Low EQ behaviors on the other hand are the opposite – talking rather than listening, blaming and judgmental attitudes amongst others.

EQ is also not being emotional. The fact that one cry easily while watching sad movies or lets fly in rages of anger at the slightest provocation does not mean its good EQ. EQ does not equal personality and it is definitely not the opposite of IQ.

What then is EQ? I have been asked this question more frequently since embarking on a career in EQ training, coaching and consultancy. In fact, many have asked about EQ in relation to businesses, leadership, sales & marketing and even family.

EQ is an essential part of our daily lives. We are humans and emotions drive our actions everyday. EQ is about using the information or data behind our emotions to help us in our thinking. This is the simplest manner to view the subject. The purpose of EQ is to make better decisions and have more productive relationships with people around us.

Emotions as we know are just the forms or outcomes of incidents, if you may. Behind these forms are ‘messages’ or cues – the reasons why we feel the way we do. We are happy when we are praised, gained something, or feel loved or respected. Sadness is often a result of our losing something or being hurt. Similarly, we fear when we sense possible threats to our physical or mental well-being.

EQ is therefore about understanding the causes of these emotions and using this information to help us in our thinking before deciding on an appropriate course of action. I use the term – emotion-aided thinking to describe this.

The key point of EQ training or coaching is to recognize that extremes in emotions can be negative or counter-productive. Yes, even so called negative emotions can be ‘useful’ in some situations. Jealousy in the right amount can be helpful to a healthy relationship. Fear or anxiety makes us more alert to the dangers around us. In the same vein, if we over-rejoice, we can lose our ‘guard’ and be vulnerable.

EQ core competencies can be categorized in three realms. Self – skills include strong sense of self and understanding what our emotions are and how to describe them. Many of us can react when we are angry, we say unpleasant things. We cry or sulk when we are sad or upset. But emotions are not static – they vary in intensity and evolve over time. There are many shades of emotions so that the vocabularies of our emotions are equally varied. In order to understand, we must be able to describe. That is the purpose of emotional literacy.

The next skill is recognizing our emotional patterns. At the most basic level, we survive by habits. In the face of danger, we survive by adopting three general stances, fight, flight or freeze. This auto-pilot behavior however also plays out in our modern settings. We develop emotional habits that react when we receive external stimuli. However, modern settings do not always need instinctive survival reactions. Sure, when a heavy object is hurled towards us, we have to duck to survive but this is really not an everyday occurrence, at least not to everyone!

The skill of recognizing patterns is important to gain an understanding of how we typically react in everyday situations.

Emotional outbursts can be regarded as an act of hijack when thinking is cut off from the feeling part of the mind. The amygdala, an almond-shaped mass of grey matter in our brain is associated with feelings of fear or aggression and is important for our visual learning or memory. Emotional outbursts are referred to as an amygdala hijack.

The second realm of EQ competencies is in relation to others. Others – skills include making the right emotional choices, demonstrating optimism, understanding the consequences of our emotional reactions, and aligning our internal motivators with our actions.

The third part of EQ competencies is in relation to our larger environment. These are developing empathetic behaviors such as listening skills and establishing noble goals.

EQ training and facilitation involves understanding and experiencing the core skills or competencies. It also provides many opportunities to practice these EQ competencies and most important of all, relate them to one’s work or family situations.

Years of research and studies have shown that EQ is in fact learnable and actionable. Optimism is a skill that is learnable. Optimistic people are more motivated, happier, enjoy better physical and mental health and are therefore also more successful. Conversely, those who are chronically depressed or sad are more likely to fall sick.

EQ intervention has also proven to be useful for staff motivation and reducing turnover. The US Airforce spent less than US$10,000 in EQ competence testing that resulted in savings of more than US$2.7million in recruitment costs. A fast food chain in UK revealed in their studies that outlets with high EQ managers enjoyed lower staff turnover, greater customer satisfaction and higher profitability.

A financial institution in the US conducted EQ competence training amongst its advisors. Those who underwent the training enjoyed high business volume and significant sales performance. EQ training is now a standard curriculum for new recruits.

In a separate study, it was shown that strong social and emotional abilities were 4 times more important than IQ in determining success and prestige at work.

EQ intervention or training is vital for the longer term survival of enterprises as well as for productive and healthy relationships amongst family and friends as well as loved ones. The payout of a good EQ training program will far outweigh the costs in its investment.

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