Our Brother - Cher Hock

Life’s Humblest Moment

In the over 20 years of my faith in the Mystic Law, I have often come across guidance that allude to the ‘final victory’ or ‘winning in life’. Though I know what these phrases meant, I could not truly say I understand them. I have always tended to associate them to winning over the many existential challenges such as getting the coveted job; overcoming illnesses amongst others.

.When I received the phone call from my niece that he has suffered a sudden heart attack – many thoughts raced through my mind. It was the first time that it had happened to an immediate member of our family. We read or hear of deaths every time – we come across them in the newspapers, we hear of our friend’s and their friends dying of many causes. While we were sad, it remained someone else.

Only when it happened to your own dear and close one can you truly say you understand what a loss like that means. As I was involved intimately with the many events until his final rest, I found myself having to piece all the information up until his death to give my grieving family members comfort.

Seeing my brother deceased and on the hospital bed must count as my life’s most humbling moment – I witnessed the ultimate law in our existence – that of impermanence. For those moments as I wept and told him that he should rest while we commit to help him look after his family, all the human concerns meant nothing to me. All the riches in the world, the most intense arguments or quarrels one might have had with others, the most influential job or work that one aspire to be were meaningless to me.

Though he did not practice the Lotus Sutra, he knew about the chanting that my parents and we do at home. The only words that could come out of me was Nam-myo-ho-renge-kyo as I pray sincerely and earnestly that he has entered Buddhahood.

Hock had always been a responsible, cheerful and reticent person. He was a man of few words, preferring to show his emotions in his own small ways.

Hock is survived by his wife and four beautiful and lovely children. He also has a close-knit extended family – his parents, and 5 siblings of 4 brothers and 1 sister. As we grieve his loss, we found ourselves speculating and debating the many ‘what ifs’ or ‘what could have been’. He was a loving husband to his wife and a doting father to his kids. He took good care of his health – kept to his medication for his diabetes and exercised regularly while watching his diet.

He was a responsible man – precisely because he knew he had a family to look out for that he kept to quite a conscious regime of exercise and medication.

To those of us who knew him, we are comforted that he had lived a victorious life

In the Buddhist philosophy, life is eternal though our existence as we know it is impermanent. To borrow from a book I read entitled How We Die by Sherwin Nuland –

“…death is not a confrontation. It is simply an event in the sequence of nature’s ongoing rhythms. Even the confrontation with disease should be approached with the realization that many of the sicknesses of our species are simply conveyances for the inexorable journey by which each of us is returned to the same state of physical, and perhaps spiritual, nonexistence from which we emerged at conception. Every triumph over some major pathology, no matter how ringing the victory, is only a reprieve from the inevitable end.”

So what do we know – that life and death are permanent fixtures in this universe. It affects every phenomenon – from microcosms to humans to stars and galaxies. We also know that our karmic destiny is different from each other. Some are born poor, others rich, some are more fortunate in other aspects while the others are always struggling with different karma – of illnesses, financial or relationships and even careers.

As President Ikeda shared in guidance - “Our lives are ruled by impermanence. But simply realizing that changes nothing. There is no value in bleak pessimism. The challenge is how to create something of enduring value within the context of our impermanent lives. The Lotus Sutra teaches us to do this.”

We will always miss and remember him – but we must also celebrate his life. In the context of our Buddhist practice, – we must focus not on how he died but rather how he lived. We need to measure his life, not by how long or short it was, but by the values he had created and the impact he had on the lives of those around him. To us, we find great comfort knowing he had lived a fulfilling though some might say tough life.

He was the first in the family who stayed in a landed property; drove an MPV even before such cars was a craze in Singapore. He started his business and saw the ebbs and flows of the industry. He married and raised four sensible and beautiful children, three of whom have either completed or are doing their university education. His youngest child is also a sensible child who is doing well in school. His spouse is a good mother to their children and a pillar of support as well as a soul-mate to him.

He had always been kind to others – especially to us, his siblings and filial to his parents. I still remember when I lost my job in the early 90s, he found his own way to help me by giving me a big red packet during the lunar new year – because he did not want to compromise my pride by giving me a handout. Whenever we needed help to get some printing jobs done – name cards, letterheads and greeting cards etc, he would volunteer to do for us without expecting payment. The last time he printed for me was my EQ brochures and he even delivered to me personally.

For quite a period, he visited our parents weekly – though he had a very busy schedule of watching over operations and doing business development for his company.

With hindsight, we could not have wished for a fitting finish to his life – though we would have wanted for him to live to a ripe old age and go on to achieve even more – but our span in this existence is the working of our karma and the mystic law. His death was peaceful – his expression was serene. In the words of my mother, he looked rested as if in sleep. From piecing the information leading to his demise, the only pain he suffered must be the chest pains.

Hock’s passing made us think a lot about our own lives. They make us reaffirm our faith in the mystic law and to do the things that truly matter to us – and more importantly to show love and care towards our dear ones. We should commit ourselves to do more for kosen-rufu – to share the greatness of this philosophy with others and show more compassion to our fellow human beings.

The article in Lifestyle Magazine - more than 1 1/2 year late - :(

What is EQ ?

EQ is a fascinating subject. It gained widespread interest with the publication of Daniel Goleman’s book “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ” in 1996.

We now hear people at work or in social settings making references to EQ in various ways. Those who come across as abrupt, brushy or downright rude might be described as ‘lacking in EQ’, ‘have low or no EQ’, or ‘display EQ problems’. Conversely, those who are friendlier and get along well with others are called people ‘with high EQ’ or ‘good EQ’

Some people we encounter seemed to be able to get things done much faster and easier. They are friendlier or ‘popular’ with their co-workers or friends and are more confident. On the other hand, we come across others who are ‘offensive’ in their remarks or mannerisms. They may be highly competent in their jobs in the technical sense but display poor ‘people skills’.

However, EQ is more than just being nice. High or good EQ behaviors include a strong sense of self particularly in terms of emotions, high recovery skills in the face of setbacks or challenges, strong empathy as well as listening skills, a including approach in relationships and situations. Low EQ behaviors on the other hand are the opposite – talking rather than listening, blaming and judgmental attitudes amongst others.

EQ is also not being emotional. The fact that one cry easily while watching sad movies or lets fly in rages of anger at the slightest provocation does not mean its good EQ. EQ does not equal personality and it is definitely not the opposite of IQ.

What then is EQ? I have been asked this question more frequently since embarking on a career in EQ training, coaching and consultancy. In fact, many have asked about EQ in relation to businesses, leadership, sales & marketing and even family.

EQ is an essential part of our daily lives. We are humans and emotions drive our actions everyday. EQ is about using the information or data behind our emotions to help us in our thinking. This is the simplest manner to view the subject. The purpose of EQ is to make better decisions and have more productive relationships with people around us.

Emotions as we know are just the forms or outcomes of incidents, if you may. Behind these forms are ‘messages’ or cues – the reasons why we feel the way we do. We are happy when we are praised, gained something, or feel loved or respected. Sadness is often a result of our losing something or being hurt. Similarly, we fear when we sense possible threats to our physical or mental well-being.

EQ is therefore about understanding the causes of these emotions and using this information to help us in our thinking before deciding on an appropriate course of action. I use the term – emotion-aided thinking to describe this.

The key point of EQ training or coaching is to recognize that extremes in emotions can be negative or counter-productive. Yes, even so called negative emotions can be ‘useful’ in some situations. Jealousy in the right amount can be helpful to a healthy relationship. Fear or anxiety makes us more alert to the dangers around us. In the same vein, if we over-rejoice, we can lose our ‘guard’ and be vulnerable.

EQ core competencies can be categorized in three realms. Self – skills include strong sense of self and understanding what our emotions are and how to describe them. Many of us can react when we are angry, we say unpleasant things. We cry or sulk when we are sad or upset. But emotions are not static – they vary in intensity and evolve over time. There are many shades of emotions so that the vocabularies of our emotions are equally varied. In order to understand, we must be able to describe. That is the purpose of emotional literacy.

The next skill is recognizing our emotional patterns. At the most basic level, we survive by habits. In the face of danger, we survive by adopting three general stances, fight, flight or freeze. This auto-pilot behavior however also plays out in our modern settings. We develop emotional habits that react when we receive external stimuli. However, modern settings do not always need instinctive survival reactions. Sure, when a heavy object is hurled towards us, we have to duck to survive but this is really not an everyday occurrence, at least not to everyone!

The skill of recognizing patterns is important to gain an understanding of how we typically react in everyday situations.

Emotional outbursts can be regarded as an act of hijack when thinking is cut off from the feeling part of the mind. The amygdala, an almond-shaped mass of grey matter in our brain is associated with feelings of fear or aggression and is important for our visual learning or memory. Emotional outbursts are referred to as an amygdala hijack.

The second realm of EQ competencies is in relation to others. Others – skills include making the right emotional choices, demonstrating optimism, understanding the consequences of our emotional reactions, and aligning our internal motivators with our actions.

The third part of EQ competencies is in relation to our larger environment. These are developing empathetic behaviors such as listening skills and establishing noble goals.

EQ training and facilitation involves understanding and experiencing the core skills or competencies. It also provides many opportunities to practice these EQ competencies and most important of all, relate them to one’s work or family situations.

Years of research and studies have shown that EQ is in fact learnable and actionable. Optimism is a skill that is learnable. Optimistic people are more motivated, happier, enjoy better physical and mental health and are therefore also more successful. Conversely, those who are chronically depressed or sad are more likely to fall sick.

EQ intervention has also proven to be useful for staff motivation and reducing turnover. The US Airforce spent less than US$10,000 in EQ competence testing that resulted in savings of more than US$2.7million in recruitment costs. A fast food chain in UK revealed in their studies that outlets with high EQ managers enjoyed lower staff turnover, greater customer satisfaction and higher profitability.

A financial institution in the US conducted EQ competence training amongst its advisors. Those who underwent the training enjoyed high business volume and significant sales performance. EQ training is now a standard curriculum for new recruits.

In a separate study, it was shown that strong social and emotional abilities were 4 times more important than IQ in determining success and prestige at work.

EQ intervention or training is vital for the longer term survival of enterprises as well as for productive and healthy relationships amongst family and friends as well as loved ones. The payout of a good EQ training program will far outweigh the costs in its investment.

_____________________________________________________________________

Redirect energies to positive activities - Letter to My Paper 14 April 2008

Redirect energies to positive activities

BERNARD LAW CHER GUAN

I REFER to the news reports on a teenager who hurled vulgarities at his teacher
and how his mother helped him change by exposing him to temporary hardship at a construction work site, as well as the report on how an elderly couple were beaten up in a road rage incident.

The mother of the youth, Madam Lim Hoon Har, should be commended for acknowledging her son’s abusive behaviour towards his teacher.

The task of parenting must be understandably tough, as she juggles the multiple demands at work and at home.
While some may disagree with her choice of corrective action, most people, including me, would applaud her for having the courage to be decisive on reforming her son.

Given a choice, who would want to see his or her own child suffer? As for the road rage case, the bully should be brought to jus- tice to underscore the high pre- mium we place on safety on our roads and, more importantly, in the way we treat our elderly people.

Emotions drive our actions every day.

Our society must address how our youths and, in the road rage case, our adults, deal with their emotions, particularly those that are potentially abusive or even violent. If we fail to address this, these same youths could become the criminals of tomorrow.

The pace of our lifestyle has grown faster. We face many stressful and unpleasant encounters daily on the roads or at work.
More people are thus becoming more prone to venting their anger and anxiety and, as a result, we are more exposed to such feelings and actions. We may then mistake these emotions as “understandable” or, worse, acceptable ways to deal with negative emotions.

Furthermore, what is also true is that, in a group, emotions can be self-fulfilling, in that a more domineering member with the strongest emotion may influence the actions of the rest.

Madam Lim has rightly made the choice to help her son positive and productive activities. The ability to recognise and “de-escalate” the build-up of bad emotions is a learnable skill that can be acted upon.

As we invest in more obvious and measurable training programmes at our schools as well as at work, emotional intelligence is one aspect that we should also focus on.

Interview no-shows reflect larger social problem - Letter to ST Forum Online

Home > ST Forum > Online Story April 7, 2008

Interview no-shows reflect larger social problem

I READ with concern the report on candidates who are no-shows at scheduled interviews (my paper, March 31). At the risk of opening a can of worms, I suggest this is symptomatic of a larger problem in society today - a dire lack of empathy, or the ability of understand and share the feelings of others.

The flip side of this coin is the focus on oneself: 'What I do not feel, does no harm.' The result is ungracious behaviour that is unacceptable.

In the case of no-shows at interviews, it is a failure to appreciate the effort needed to make arrangements and so share the lousy feeling of being stood up. I am sure there are many possible reasons for no-shows, but none is acceptable. This blatant disregard for others' feelings is rude and irresponsible. All it takes is a phone call to apologise for being unable to make it - and being honest about the reason.

There are many examples of other un-empathetic behaviour: cutting onto others' path when walking and forcing them to stop in their tracks without the courtesy of an apology; speaking loudly into a mobile phone; watching while the auntie or uncle clears our littered table in the foodcourt; and walking into a lifts while someone holds it without a simple thank you.
It seems 'sorry' is not the only hardest word to say. 'Thank you', excuse me' and other basic social niceties have also made the list.

What is scary is that this disregard for others' efforts and feelings may become the norm as this behaviour is self-fulfilling. 'If others do it, so can I.' This is a sure formula for disaster in social interactions. Another perception contributing to this behaviour is a misplaced sense of entitlement - the 'me syndrome'. Unfortunately, we do not live in a vacuum - we are part and parcel of the social system.

I suggest we do a check among our immediate family members and close friends - do we say thank you when something is done for us? Do children thank their parents when they clean for them or serve them food? Do we make it a point that they do? Do we apologise when we make mistakes?

Some may feel it is odd that people who are close and dear should expect such niceties. But it is essential if we are to develop into a civic and gracious society. If we cannot do this even with those who are closest to us, how can we do it with total strangers?

When we are gracious and show gratitude - in small and, to many, innocuous ways - it is often reciprocated. Even when it is not, it is not a good reason to be otherwise as this is good for our physical and mental well-being too. Research has shown that people with positive emotions enjoy better health, and are generally happier too.
It really takes very little effort to be pleasant. Being in a hurried fast-paced society is no excuse to be otherwise.

Bernard Law Cher Guan

Remembering David Marshall

Home > ST Forum > Online Story

March 21, 2008

David the Goliath: Remembering David Marshall

I READ with interest the media coverage of the centenary birthday celebration of David Marshall, Singapore's first chief minister. While the legal and diplomatic luminaries paid glowing tribute to this 'giant of a man' - I would like to share a common man's encounter with the late Dr Marshall.

The year was 1988 and I had just started work the year before as a Program Executive with Safra. I was placed in charge of organising the activities of the association's Current Affairs Group. I had an idea one evening that we could perhaps organise a talk by Dr Marshall to members of Safra. In the days when fax was very new to the office, the only way we could contact him was via the telex machine as he was in Paris as Singapore's ambassador to France. I was not hopeful that he would accept but nonetheless thought it worth a try. The next day, I was very pleasantly surprised when I saw his reply that he was accepting our invitation as he would be in town for his 80th birthday celebration.

The topic was simple - 'Singapore - Then And Now' - we had wanted to hear his views on how Singapore had changed from his days in politics to diplomacy. We also wanted to pick his mind on the future though the topic was not that apparent. The weeks building up to the lecture were intense. The response was overwhelming - we had students, senior citizens and the general public all earnest to fill the limited capacity of the Safra Tampines auditorium. A pre-lecture lunch was arranged with Dr Marshall to discuss the arrangements. It was my first meeting with the man. He chose Japanese food when asked what he preferred.

The legend left indelible impressions on me - a young working executive fresh from university. Cutting a grandfatherly figure, Dr Marshall was in his signature bush jacket, pipe and a mini-voice recorder. While his physical appearance was 'imposing', his mind was 'boggling'. His zest for life, his intense interest and love for Singapore could be felt throughout the lunch to the actual day of his lecture.

Dr Marshall's determination to keep working for Singapore was what impressed me most. He lamented the pre-occupation of our young with material possessions. He said 'we should work to live, not live to work'. The day of his lecture saw the auditorium packed to full capacity of 196. It was the highest record of attendance for the Safra Current Affairs Group ever. Dr Marshall kept his talk brief as planned so that he could take questions and interact with the audience. The same intensity and zest permeated the auditorium. When an older member of the audience 'berated' him for leaving opposition politics and democracy for Singapore, one could hear a pin drop in the auditorium. Dr Marshall sat intently while the man became quite emotional. After the man finished, Dr Marshall was pensive. He did not react with any hint of displeasure. How he responded remains vivid to me, even after 20 years. He observed that given the benefit of hindsight, he was not sure if he could have done as well, much less better than Mr Lee Kuan Yew and the PAP.

He was, however, quick to add that 'a stomach of steel' was absolute requirement in politics. He was a man who gave credit where it was due - even to his political opponent. After his lecture, he mingled with the audience - spoke to students who attended and provided many with photo opportunities. When I asked for his autograph, he wrote of thanks for the opportunity to speak at Safra and offered his best wishes to me - in another signature mark - green ink. He regaled us with the story behind why he always wrote in green to much laughter. I am grateful for the rare opportunity of meeting this giant of a man. I am sure the rest of the 196 heard him share this feeling. Not everyone agreed with everything he said that day - but this would have been what he expected anyway.

Bernard Law Cher Guan