An Old Friend and New Connections

I once posted a greeting card I received from an ex-colleague, Mdm Goh.  I worked with her during my tenure as the Manager of the SAFRA Clubhouse.  Mdm Goh (Janet) was a receptionist we recruited when the clubhouse renovated and we needed to beef up the staffing at the front desk.

Janet was given a golden handshake after 25 years with MayBank.  She was only 48yo when she joined us at SAFRA.  I found her to be very lively and a keen learner even at her age.  She is married to the same man for 32 years and they never had any children. 

After I left SAFRA in 1991, Janet had been sending me yearly greeting cards.  In those cards, she would write quite lengthily of how she was grateful for the years of working with SAFRA and the opportunity we had given her.  She would often shower my family and me with blessings from God.  She is a devout Christian and knows I am a practicing Buddhist.  It is always very heart warming to receive her cards.

On 19 May 2013, I received an SMS from Janet :-  

"blessings 2 u bernard i just want 2 tell u my husband passed away on O2 may. it was a sudden death he fell down when the ambulance came he was already in coma the doctor told me his brain vessel burst n also a clot in the brain. the doctor says if he comes round he will b a vegetable. bernard i have 2 learn n get used 2 staying alone. everynight before i go 2 bed he wil make a drink 4 me now the drink maker is gone we go out together quite often he told me now that we r retired we have alot of time 2 spent together my constant companion is no more before they close the coffin a final look at him i say my final sayonara 2 him. he is 78 years he is in Heaven."

I immediately returned her call - she was crying and repeated what she said in her SMS.  I was overcame with emotion and held back my tears as I tried to comfort her.  I told her that I would meet her soon to catch up. 

When we caught up, we had a very good chat and caught up at her place near the Soka HQ.  We had a good lunch after that and I took a walk with her near the coffeeshop.  She was in a much better spirit and was her chatty self.  She then told me that she wanted to make a passport as her late husband did not like traveling so her old one had expired.  I offered to help her and we took a walk to the nearby photo studio to have one taken.  Interestingly, the studio also had a copy of the application form from ICA. 

After the visit, I came back and proceeded to mail the form for her. I promised that once ICA informed her that the passport was ready, I would accompany her to pick it up.

It felt good to be able to reconnect with her and do so many practical things for her.  Janet is 73 yo this year.  She is very healthy with no other known medical conditions.  She has a voracious appetite too :p.

Last week, I brought Janet to collect her ready passport.  Before that, we managed to make an appointment for the collection too or else it would have taken her more than 2 hours do so.  We again went to Kallang Leisure Park for lunch.  She told me that with the new passport, she would be traveling with her friends from church and her primary school :p  Her niece would also be bringing her for trips too.  I am very pleased to be of some help and comfort.  I especially also enjoyed her regaling me stories of her childhood and 32 yo marriage to her late hubby.  I am particularly comforted that she has many friends and loved ones who are looking out for her.  

An old friend has started new connections. 

Empathy and How It Works On My Noisy Neighbors

Recently, I encountered a problem with an upstairs neighbor.  You see, over the almost 5 years living here, I never realized how noisy they have been.  Perhaps with my flexible working arrangements, I stay at home a lot more.

There are two parts to the noise issue.  Firstly, I believe they are operating some kind of repair business in their house.  This means quite regular knocking and heavy movement of equipment throughout the day.  Second, perhaps more tolerable and understandable, there are noises from their two young girls.

One day, my nephew was helping his exams when I decided to visit the neighbor to gently ask them to pipe down the first source of noise.  The young man was nervous and came out of the house, presumably to prevent me from getting to near to the gate to see what was going on.  I saw some window grille on the floor and another man peeping out to look at me as I spoke to the first man.

He got defensive and told me that even he had problems with noises from his upstairs neighbors. When I suggested that he might want to inform HDB about it, he told me in a brush, that perhaps that I should do that.  I shook my head and left.

In the 5 years living here, we have been good neighbors.  The patriarch was a friendly man who also engaged in nice banter whenever we met in the void deck.  After he passed away, I had to engage the matriarch twice as there was water seepage from their toilets and kitchen that required repairs by HDB appointed contractors.  Overall, I would rate the relations as cordial. I even explained to one of the sons and asked for his understanding regarding the repair to the ceiling which needed us both to share costs.

So how do I deal with the noises.  I have decided to co-exist with it. I have spoken to the HDB officer in charge of our block - he had kindly offered to visit my neighbor but I told him to let me monitor the situation.  My reasons are quite multifaceted. I do not wish to upset the dynamics of our neighborliness.  The situation compared to those I read online is still manageable since I do not have noises into the unholy hours of the night or early morning.  The main reason is the first source of noise originates from the young father who needs to support his family of two young toddlers.

I know it might sound holier than thou or even exceedingly altruistic.  I really worked this last reason internally.  I see the two young girls going to child care on occasional mornings and have seen the young man going out with his family.  They are not malicious people.  Just our heartland Singaporeans trying to make a living.

Some adjustments on my part however, have to be made to live with this new intrusion.  I use a noise cancelling bluetooth headset to watch the TV.  I also go out more to work or do my errands.  Occasionally, I have had to put on my earplugs that block out both low frequency noises.  Of course I listen to music on my computer if I need to work at home.

Friends have asked why I needed to compromise so much as it involves my home - my private sanctuary.  I explained that it is really what comes with the territory - of communal living.  Would I act on it ? Yes, eventually when the din becomes absolutely intolerable.  For now, I want to take a higher moral ground.  Hearing patter of the kids' feet when they return from child care in the afternoon is a sign of life, isn't it?

It helps that I am into gadgets :p.  The noise cancelling headset is a great help that lets me enjoy movies and music even better.  So is the expensive but highly effective ear plugs that work wonders.

  

Ideas for better aging....and a more gracious society...

Just returned from Katong 112 - the latest and supposedly hippest shopping mall that used to occupy old Katong Roxy mall.   I went there with Mum and our helper for lunch.  The mall is brand new - and many aspects are quite friendly.

Wheelchair-friendly toilets

There are toilets for wheelchair bound shoppers too.  The toilet on Level 4 near to the food court was locked when we wanted to use - and the cleaner had to be located to open it.  It is locked presumably to prevent abuse by other users, though it is really not necessary as the main toilets are ample.

My concern is, what if it is an 'emergency' ;p ?  The lift (there is only one) is quite a distance and the cleaner with the only key to open is not to be found anywhere near?  This is quite operational and unless one is in that situation, it might seemed nitpicking.  Anyway, it is something for mall/building owners to note and improve on.

Usage of elevator

The mall provides a nice travelator that brings those who park to level 1 and thereafter with escalators to all levels.  I notice that practically everyone uses the elevator - and because there is only one, those who need it - like Mum with her wheelchair as well as many elderly who are less mobile, or even parents with strollers end up having to wait even longer for the already slow transporter.

I think mall/building owners might want to consider putting up polite notices to 'remind' shoppers to give way to users who are more in need.  It is also useful to point shoppers to nearby too.  I saw some of the worst behavior just now - able bodied shoppers who squeezed and held back the elevators just to get in -  only to go one level up.  :(  This is something that happens to even our own HDB lifts but then its a different gripe :p

I think the small Ps and Rs have really been forgotten by building owners in their pursuit of huge and often wasteful big PR exercises.

MCYS has a campaign to promote family friendliness and there had been many ministerial level committees to look at making Singapore more elderly friendly.  Are we losing the trees for the forest?

Some ideas for better aging....

Dangers of promoting a Culture of Envy

I spent more than 8 years with a local media company.  I have also witnessed the impact of social media and the good as well as the bad it brings to our society.  Media,  particularly the mass platforms will continue to be a potent influence on the minds as well as the behavior of society. 

It influences opinions and shapes the values that our young will grow up with.

I am concerned about the angle that reports in our mainstream media are taking.  These are becoming very muddled between celebrating success and grovelling the haves of individuals.  Success stories are important to motivate readers/viewers to aim higher in their lives and work towards their goals.  But these stories must surely involve how the successes were achieved - EFFORTS and REWARDS must surely go hand-in-hand !

Yes, there are people who are just plain lucky - or even fortunate to get the help and enjoy the generosity of others - then we must promote the values of help and compassion.  

I have read and now stopped doing so altogether - the money page of Sunday Times that interviews individuals on how they manage their funds.  It almost always concludes with where you live (answer - a condominium or two-storey semi-D etc), what is your best investment (answer - I invested in something and now the value has tripled etc). 

The reports on the Ferrari accident that involved a taxi driver and a motorcyclist again contained information that I feel is really irrelevant and unhelpful to this atmosphere of unhappiness with foreigners.  The driver of the Ferrari was a young China financial consultant who (bought a $820,000 private house in the east), and had just bought the sports car worth $xxx, 000). 

I do not see the relevance of such details to the accident report.  Yes, it sells newspapers but surely there are cheaper (pun intended) platform to report them.  We should be doing the humanistic reporting - how is the injured, how are their families coping, how can the compassionate individuals go about offering help.  Of course, these reports have subsequently been made on the taxi-driver and his young kids. 

Is gutter reporting a way of our lives now?

 

'Maid' to do EVERYTHING...

I was having dinner at a restaurant in the Triple One building on Saturday. It has a full view of Orchard Boulevard Road. I noticed an MPV parked alongside Paterson Road with 2 domestic helpers almost struggling to help an elderly man onto his wheelchair. The driver, a big man of about 1.9m was standing on the side barking orders at the two petite helpers.  Another vehicle with a family was parked behind and from the flurry of activities, I can only deduce that the driver is a family member.  

 My reaction was one of disappointment that a huge effort by two female helpers could have been an act of filial duty that would have also been easily carried out by this able-bodied male family member.  This could have been done as a matter of practical need as the the elderly could have fallen from the car. I think even a concierge or valet of a building would have felt this act of compassion. A separate incident - this time involving a young mother in her early 30s at Parkway Parade.  She was with her three kids.

Except for the toddler carried by her helper, the other two are quite big waking on their own. The helper was walking behind with both the toddler in arm and a big bag. She kept having to adjust as the total weight must have been a real strain on her small frame.  Certainly the Ma'am could have 'helped' the helper instead of risking her tripped over with her kid?   To be fair, I do not pretend to know the dynamics of these families.

However, I think the behavior of the employers touch on human decency or rather, lack of.   I agree that we need to seriously look at how we treat our domestic helpers - and this must go beyond not calling them maids - I am more concerned that we have become a society that is over-reliant on them for even the most basic of chores.

The longer term implication of this mentality is what this signals to our young and how they will treat others in turn.

Turning 50…at 45..

This post is inspired by the feature special in the Straits Times on Saturday 12 May 12, 2012 on Turning 50 and why as well as how many left their senior corporate jobs to seek out less financially rewarding but more enriching work.  I took that left turn at 45 in 2007 – hence, the title.   

 I took my first trip to Los Angeles and San Francisco in 2006.  It was a spur of the moment decision.  There was no itinerary and not pre-planned.  The idea was to fly over and catch up with a friend and take a road trip between the two cities.

I was also at a crossroad – I was 44 and had been reflecting on what the future held for me at my job.  I was a Chief Operating Officer/Director of Sales & Marketing in a local media company.  By all accounts, it was a good job – I had a marina bay view office, a secretary with a team of almost 40 staff.  There was no ‘push’ factor in corporate speak – reasons to leave.  I had the trappings of the senior management job – invitations to social events, reasonably good pay and a highly motivated team of colleagues who made my work sufficiently challenging.  There was nevertheless still a longing – and a terrible fear that I might actually ‘retire’ in this job.

Of course, there was no ‘pull factor either – the options for new careers at my age were very limited too.

The trip to the States was a ‘time-out’ in that sense. 

I made plans to visit with members of Soka Gakkai in the USA and to see the centers of activities too.  Events overtook my plans – the road trip with the friend did not take place as he had jet lag and some family matters to resolve.  I then decided to go for a train ride on my own from LA to SF instead.  While the trip was quite eventful, I shall leave that to another post J. 

During the 6-hour train ride, I had much time in my hands to really reflect on my job situation and life in general.  I worked out a personal SWOT (Strength-Weakness-Opportunity-Threat) analysis.  I was very candid with myself on what I was good and bad at.  I also thought about what options were available if I decided that I do not wish to continue working at my job.

The exercise was cathartic – I came out of it with a renewed sense of self-confidence regarding my options. 

I then developed a 1-year timeline to realize my plans. 

The biggest hurdle was getting out of my comfort (and frankly very cozy too) zone.  I had to engage in visualizations of how life would be without the job, the designation, and of course the financial means.  In the words of a good friend I consulted who also left his high paying job – Peter Chow (father of Jason Chow, an ex colleague from my radio station days) – when you go to the ATM and punched in your pin number on your ‘payday’ and see that there is no new cash balance – that is the wake up call.  It might sound animated now – but that experience was quite scary. 

There are some concrete steps to take preceding the plunge.  I have organized them below so it is easier for readers.  I am single and therefore the dynamics involved might be simpler.  However, those with family might find the process equally helpful in bonding with loved ones J

(a)            Do a critical review of your budget – what you owe and own.  Decide if what you owe is important – can they be disposed so you really cut down on your financial commitments – an obvious example would be a car. 

(b)            Identify the ‘must-haves’ – do you have the means to maintain – for example, the house – what options what do you have in respect of that – a re-mortgage? 

(c)              Make sure all the insurance needs – particularly medical/healthcare as well as protection cover are paid and in force – this is a ‘must-have’ and is important to maintain.  It provides a much needed sense of assurance to not only yourself but your loved ones too.

(d)             Keep the lines of finance alive – credit cards with the credit line or financing options – but, and this is a BIG BUT – only if you have the discipline to not activate them at the slightest impulse.  :p  This is an advice from another friend, Howard who himself left his corporate job. 

(e)             Once the SWOT has been done, you would have a sense of what work options are there.  For me, it was teaching, mentoring, coaching or consultancy work.  I did not yet have specific job in mind but it provided a direction.  Though I had much corporate experience, I felt I needed a competency – skills or technical knowledge that would frame the wealth of corporate experience – so that they can be brought to the new work.

            I found the 6-Seconds Emotional Intelligence certification as an Associate Trainer and Executive Coach and enrolled.  I did not want to go for the ‘commercially’ popular courses – I chose the EQ courses because I agreed with the values that they promoted and could see the practical aspects of the various skills that I was taught.

In 2007, I tendered my resignation.  My parents were very concerned and so were family members.  I assured them that my financials were stable.  I had bought much protection insurance over the years – and some had matured with positive values.  I also had a private property, which was leased out. 

Since then, I had conducted EQ courses for corporations in cities such as Hanoi, Jakarta and locally.  I also found part-time teaching assignments with NUS and UniSim. 

As I will literally turn 50 this year, I am happy with how my decision to leave full-time corporate work has worked out.  I assure you that there were many moments of anxiety and even fear about what the future holds - but I agree fully with the comment made by one of those featured in the article -"we can live with less money but not less time"

 I find much time to do the things I enjoy – and most of all spend time with family members particularly with my parents and siblings as well as good friends too.  Contrary to what many people think - I do have things to look forward to - everyday.  :-)

(Note - I will be happy to help anyone who is at this similar crossroad - a chat, or even an actual coaching session - gratis :p)

Current Affairs Group (CAG)/Policy Gaming in SAFRA

When I joined SAFRA in May 1987, I was assigned to be the Programme Executive of the Current Affairs Group or CAG.  The Chairman was Wee Leong How.  He was also the Management Committee member who interviewed me for the job.  He was my first contact with volunteers in SAFRA.  His predecessor was the late Colonel (Volunteer) Richard Hin Yung.  Richard was volunteer not only in SAFRA but also with the SAF.

My task in CAG was to organize activities that would engage reservists in current affairs.  We did this through organizing talks and events.  I remember inviting eminent speakers in their respective fields including Dr Retnam (a specialist in STD who worked at the Middle Road skin clinic) who spoke on the AIDs epidermic; Dr Bilveer Singh who spoke on the topic 'Singapore's Threat Perception'.

The most memorable talk that I organized for CAG was 'Singapore - Then and Now' by the late Dr David Marshall, Singapore's first Chief Minister who was then Ambassador to France. 

It was held at the Tampines auditorium to full capacity 

 I still remember using the telex machine in our general office to type the invitation to Dr Marshall who was based in Paris.  This was done during one of the weekends - and when I saw his reply on the following Monday, I was very excited and happy.  He replied that he was happy to speak to our members as he was returning to celebrate his 80th Birthday.

We had Dr Kwa Chong Guan who was then Director of Museum to chair the talk.  I remember the lunch we hosted for Dr Marshall who chose the Japanese restaurant in the Shangri-la Hotel.  The lunch was to brief him on CAG and SAFRA.

Dr Marshall was very sprite and lucid for his age - he mentioned about failing eyesight (which was why he had 'readers' at the embassy to literally read the newspapers and documents to him.  He had carried a voice recorder to remind himself of tasks.  In fact, while we were eating, he recorded some instructions that he said was to be handed to his secretaries.

There were some tense moments during his talk though.  A member of the audience was visibly worked up when he commented that Dr Marshall had abandoned the opposition when he gave up politics.  Dr Marshall was really in his element - he was very composed and calmly replied that politics required a certain ruthlessness that he felt he did not have.  He of course quoted Margaret Thatcher that to be in politics, one must be prepared to take the proverbial bullet.  

One of the themes of his talk was that we should as a society reflect if we work to live or live to work.  Somehow, this sound very relevant today. 

CAG was to progress into another major project in SAFRA - Policy-gaming.  It was an idea we felt would involve reservists more in the policy thinking and making processes.  Three were organized with teams of reservists forming cabinets of ministers.  We were fortunate to obtain the help and resource from the various government ministries to provide data as well as guidance.

The three topics that the shadow cabinets deliberated were:

(a) Emigration - Problems & Solutions
(b) Singapore's Economic And Security Policies & Role of ASEAN in the post-Cambodia period
(c) Prevention of Traffic Congestion in Singapore

I was reminded that the idea of COE (though at that point it was not named this way) was first floated by the teams of policy-gaming.  If the source was correct, then the impact of a simple game by a group of volunteers had certainly left its mark for so many years since the implementation of COE in Singapore's transport system.