Dad passed away.

On 9 November 2010 at 2034hrs, Dad passed away peacefully at the Changi Hospital - one month and 4 days after he was admitted to be diagnosed with Advanced Lung Cancer.

His condition took a sudden turn on Monday 8 November at 5.30pm. We had visited him everyday - including Sunday with Mum. Methi, our helper had cooked his favourite fish/spinach that Pat our 2nd sister-in law taught her.

Dad's appetite was vociferous - he finished up the whole flask - even the portions that we had meant for Beng and Geok. But we were very pleased that he could eat. He also had won lottery - $400. He was smiling when I told him. The visit made us feel really good. He had his oxygen tube but otherwise he appeared okay. He was able to chat with Mum and even joked with Methi.

I told him that as I had to teach on Monday morning, I would visit him in the evening.

On Monday morning, I had as usual gotten an update from the MO on duty that Dad was ready to go home but would need an oxygen concentrator at home. He told me that a social worker would advise us on the list of vendors for the equipment. Dr Seow had also advised us to rent it rather than buy.

I had gone online to check on supply as well as options of portable ones too as we anticipate that he would need to be moved around as we were hopeful that we might be able to bring him on our outings.

I had meant to go for my swim after class but decided against when it started drizzling. I went home and found myself dozing off. When I woke at 3.20pm, I saw a missed call from the hospital. When I returned the call, the nurse told me that a doctor had tried calling me to inform me that Dad's oxygen saturation level dipped below 50%.

I asked if it was critical, he told me not at that moment. I decided to keep to the plan to visit him at 5.30pm with the porridge. Before 5pm, Dr Lee called me to say Dad's oxygen continued to drop. He also told me that X-ray showed an infection in his lungs.

When I asked if it was critical - he said YES. At that point, he would advise that family members that needed to be informed should be.

I called Geok and Beng as well as Huat. We also called Khiam who was in Austria. Everything went on double speed from that moment.

Dr Lee advised me that Dad's morphine would be increased to help him breath and to reduce his pain if any, otherwise Dad was not in any pain at that point.

When I reached the hospital, Dad was wearing an oxygen mask but looked otherwise fine. He was watching the TV with Beng.

We huddled outside and discussed what key issues were important. The decision remained not to inform Mum about it.

We decided to stay overnight cos the Doctor mentioned that a Do Not Resuscitate or DNR order had been issued given Dad's age as well as the pain he would be in if it was carried out.

We braced for the worst. Dad was lucid, but was visibly irritated with the oxygen mask. He tried removing it a few times - so we got the nurse to put some cotton around the strap to reduce the discomfort.

He continued to be very responsive and was able to recognize us and acknowledge our questions and remarks. Geok and I had took turns to wipe his mouth (something he always did whenever he was at home). We also made sure he was comfortable - turning the pillow and straightening his shirt.

Dad remained awake throughout the whole night. When I asked the duty nurse why it was so, she was unable to explain to us beyond saying that she was authorized to increase the IV morphine from the 2ml/hour to 5ml/hr. She was however not advising that as Dad was not in any visible discomfort.

Our persistent question throughout the night was - Are you in any pain? Discomfort?. Each time, Dad was able to respond with a shake of the head that he was not.

At 830pm, I decided to go home to be with Mum - planning to return to the hospital once she is asleep. Its Dad's wish too that Mum was not to be left alone - though she was with Methi.

When I reached home, I started my Daimoku - and told myself that I would return after midnight - 3 hours of chanting as I had set my target daily.

At about 11pm, I decided to message Geok to ask her to check Dad's ward for anything he might have written on pads we had left around the ward for the past week. Geok replied that there was nothing but he had then written that he wanted to 'see' Mum. That was 11.47pm.

Because we had been using skype to communicate and 'monitor' him from home, we decided to wake Mum up and let her see Dad too. When I roused her - Mum woke and sat infront of the PC. Dad waved to her and used Geok's mobile to speak to her while she used mine at home.

Dad told her that he was breathless and would talk to her again when he return home. Mum waved back at him and asked him not to worry too much and to rest. She was not fully aware of why Beng was there at that hour and holding on to Dad's oxygen mask. She only asked me after the skype call - how come Geok was still there at that hour.

I explained that as she was not working, she had decided to stay with Dad.

After Mum went back to sleep - I decided two things at home. I went into his bedroom to take his formal suit and a fresh change of singlet and shorts as well as his favorite red tie (the one he always wore when he attended dinners and would ask me to pre-tie for him so he could just slip on). I could not find his new pair of shoes (the pair he was given by a friend recently). I made a mental note to search for it.

Before leaving for the hospital, I decided to return to the bedroom to bring yet another change of casual wear. I remember Dad telling me once about someone who passed away and family members had dreamed of them being naked. I figured it must be procedural that hospital would 'wrap' deceased patient in a piece of cloth and sent to the morgue.

I am now glad I did (though it might sound superstitious to most). Dad was dressed in his neat self and sent to the undertaker the following evening. We were all comforted that he was 'prepared' to return home.

Back at the hospital, Dad was still awake - he would be breathing quite heavily but momentarily still respond when we approached him. All of us took turns caressing his hands and chanting with him. The daimoku audio clip was playing in the background and had been so since the beginning of his hospitalization.

We asked Dad to try to sleep - and each time he would close his eyes but wake up after a while. He was also looking at the clock intermittently and was able to tell us what time it was. 2.22 am he said when we asked him once.

When morning broke, Dad was still awake. All of us decided that we should take turns to go back to catch up on our sleep and schedule our vigil at the ward. In the morning, Beng brought Irene and Lisa to see him. When Beng told Dad that he was going to send Lisa to work, Dad asked ' why so late?'. He was still that lucid.

Huat brought Hiong and Min Jun to see him too. Both Geok and I decided to wait for Dr Seow while Beng and Huat went back to rest. When Beng returned at 12 plus in the afternoon, We had met with Drs Seow and Lee - both explained that it was a matter of time but were unable to commit. We thanked them for their care of Dad.

Whenever we spoke to Dad - he was able to respond. Geok and I told him that we would return to see him again in the evening. He acknowledged with 'orh'.

Throughout Tuesday afternoon, both Geok and I rested at Bedok. In the evening, a group of soka members had scheduled a visit for daimoku with us. I was telling Geok that I was not sure if Jerry Tay - a senior soka leader would be visiting as he was supposed to visit Dad.

At 715pm, Jerry turned up at our home. He remarked that he did not know it was me when the leaders told him that I had requested a visit. We have known each other for almost 2.5 decades. Geok and I had conveyed our wish for a dialogue for Dad and a soka leader to talk about Buddhism and to provide a perspective regarding illnesses and of course life & death.

We could not have asked for a better person than Jerry. Jerry Tay was quoted by the wife of the late Martin Choo in her book on Love & Compassion. I know Jerry as a very compassionate and sincere person. He had just returned from a seminar in Japan.

His guidance to both Geok and me were indeed inspiring and really put us at much ease regarding Dad. Geok updated him on Dad's situation. Jerry explained to us the Buddhist perspective of life and death - and of the last moment in one's life. I saw that Jerry teared when we told him about Dad and after he saw what Dad had written the night before at the ward as well as his photos displayed at the living room.

He explained that our love for Dad would not go unrequited - and that our prayers for him will surely be answered. At 815pm, Jerry suggested that we do the evening prayers and promised that he would visit Dad around 10pm after his meeting.

Our gongyo was very sonorous and resolute. Before that Jerry had asked to see the prayers we had set for Dad. At 8.25, Jerry concluded the gongyo and left. Thomas, our district leader took over the daimoku chanting. At 8.30pm, Beng called me to ask us to get to the hospital - Dad was critical.

Gan, Geok and myself made our way out of the house while we got Thomas and the rest of the members to continue with the Daimoku and to look after Mum.

On our way along the Bedok Reservoir - Beng called to inform us that Dad passed away. Both Geok and I were at a loss - the type A in me kicked into action. I called Thomas to inform him so that an undertaker could be contacted to help us with the final arrangements.

Events after that were in a blur. I remember that I had managed to locate his pair of new shoes and they were now in the boot together with his formal wear. When I reached the hospital - I went into the room 2806 - and touched Dad. I told him - 'You are not in any more pain, lets go home Pa'

Beng, Geok and I did the reposte Gongyo in his room. I handed Dad's identity card to the nurse for the doctor on duty to issue the certificate. We planned to bring him home literally - and no further stay at the hospital or in the morgue was the key arrangement.

The casual set of home clothes came in very handy as the nurse asked if we had any change of attire for Dad. The nurse (I did not get her name but probably should try to locate her one day as I had promised her some notes on EQ during Dad's stay when she asked what was the subject that I consult in)asked us to let her know when we are done so they could 'clean' Dad up for his journey home.

When she saw me again at the corridor, the nurse told me 'Bernard, you all should not cry as your Dad passed on very peacefully' with tears in her eyes. We realized that Dad had by then, touched the lives of the nursing staff at the ward in the weeks that he had stayed.

With Dad properly attired, we followed him to the undertaker's vehicle for his preparation to go back to Bedok. Geok went ahead to let Mum know.

Throughout Dad's hospitalization and as I now recall his knowledge of his imminent passing, he had kept to his typical approach of not wanting to trouble others. He wrote on the writing pad simple characters - first his own name, then Mum's (which was how Geok knew to ask he wanted to see Mum) and a string of Chinese characters - 'that members (supposedly the Geylang Villagers' Association or Soka Association or even family members) should be united as unity is strength'.

He told us many times during his stay at Changi Hospital that he really did not have much to worry about. He was concerned about how Hock's kids were doing - how each of us was doing too - he was assured that with Methi and us - Mum would be well taken care of.

In the course of the past months - we had been revisiting the many events from the onset of his illness - while we wished we had done more for and with him - we must continue to live with his memories - of how he treated his family, siblings, relatives, and friends. All came for his wake - and even those who did not know him or us - I have had many occasions in the past weeks to run into neighbors, hawkers and even some I regard as total strangers who had encountered Dad and left an impression.

While he is no longer with us - he continues to live through all our daily activities.

We love you Dad, always.

(On 27th December 2010, we visited the Soka Senja Centre where his remains are inurned to commemorate the 49th day of his passing according to the lunar calendar though this is a Taoist tradition.)