Dad passed away.

On 9 November 2010 at 2034hrs, Dad passed away peacefully at the Changi Hospital - one month and 4 days after he was admitted to be diagnosed with Advanced Lung Cancer.

His condition took a sudden turn on Monday 8 November at 5.30pm. We had visited him everyday - including Sunday with Mum. Methi, our helper had cooked his favourite fish/spinach that Pat our 2nd sister-in law taught her.

Dad's appetite was vociferous - he finished up the whole flask - even the portions that we had meant for Beng and Geok. But we were very pleased that he could eat. He also had won lottery - $400. He was smiling when I told him. The visit made us feel really good. He had his oxygen tube but otherwise he appeared okay. He was able to chat with Mum and even joked with Methi.

I told him that as I had to teach on Monday morning, I would visit him in the evening.

On Monday morning, I had as usual gotten an update from the MO on duty that Dad was ready to go home but would need an oxygen concentrator at home. He told me that a social worker would advise us on the list of vendors for the equipment. Dr Seow had also advised us to rent it rather than buy.

I had gone online to check on supply as well as options of portable ones too as we anticipate that he would need to be moved around as we were hopeful that we might be able to bring him on our outings.

I had meant to go for my swim after class but decided against when it started drizzling. I went home and found myself dozing off. When I woke at 3.20pm, I saw a missed call from the hospital. When I returned the call, the nurse told me that a doctor had tried calling me to inform me that Dad's oxygen saturation level dipped below 50%.

I asked if it was critical, he told me not at that moment. I decided to keep to the plan to visit him at 5.30pm with the porridge. Before 5pm, Dr Lee called me to say Dad's oxygen continued to drop. He also told me that X-ray showed an infection in his lungs.

When I asked if it was critical - he said YES. At that point, he would advise that family members that needed to be informed should be.

I called Geok and Beng as well as Huat. We also called Khiam who was in Austria. Everything went on double speed from that moment.

Dr Lee advised me that Dad's morphine would be increased to help him breath and to reduce his pain if any, otherwise Dad was not in any pain at that point.

When I reached the hospital, Dad was wearing an oxygen mask but looked otherwise fine. He was watching the TV with Beng.

We huddled outside and discussed what key issues were important. The decision remained not to inform Mum about it.

We decided to stay overnight cos the Doctor mentioned that a Do Not Resuscitate or DNR order had been issued given Dad's age as well as the pain he would be in if it was carried out.

We braced for the worst. Dad was lucid, but was visibly irritated with the oxygen mask. He tried removing it a few times - so we got the nurse to put some cotton around the strap to reduce the discomfort.

He continued to be very responsive and was able to recognize us and acknowledge our questions and remarks. Geok and I had took turns to wipe his mouth (something he always did whenever he was at home). We also made sure he was comfortable - turning the pillow and straightening his shirt.

Dad remained awake throughout the whole night. When I asked the duty nurse why it was so, she was unable to explain to us beyond saying that she was authorized to increase the IV morphine from the 2ml/hour to 5ml/hr. She was however not advising that as Dad was not in any visible discomfort.

Our persistent question throughout the night was - Are you in any pain? Discomfort?. Each time, Dad was able to respond with a shake of the head that he was not.

At 830pm, I decided to go home to be with Mum - planning to return to the hospital once she is asleep. Its Dad's wish too that Mum was not to be left alone - though she was with Methi.

When I reached home, I started my Daimoku - and told myself that I would return after midnight - 3 hours of chanting as I had set my target daily.

At about 11pm, I decided to message Geok to ask her to check Dad's ward for anything he might have written on pads we had left around the ward for the past week. Geok replied that there was nothing but he had then written that he wanted to 'see' Mum. That was 11.47pm.

Because we had been using skype to communicate and 'monitor' him from home, we decided to wake Mum up and let her see Dad too. When I roused her - Mum woke and sat infront of the PC. Dad waved to her and used Geok's mobile to speak to her while she used mine at home.

Dad told her that he was breathless and would talk to her again when he return home. Mum waved back at him and asked him not to worry too much and to rest. She was not fully aware of why Beng was there at that hour and holding on to Dad's oxygen mask. She only asked me after the skype call - how come Geok was still there at that hour.

I explained that as she was not working, she had decided to stay with Dad.

After Mum went back to sleep - I decided two things at home. I went into his bedroom to take his formal suit and a fresh change of singlet and shorts as well as his favorite red tie (the one he always wore when he attended dinners and would ask me to pre-tie for him so he could just slip on). I could not find his new pair of shoes (the pair he was given by a friend recently). I made a mental note to search for it.

Before leaving for the hospital, I decided to return to the bedroom to bring yet another change of casual wear. I remember Dad telling me once about someone who passed away and family members had dreamed of them being naked. I figured it must be procedural that hospital would 'wrap' deceased patient in a piece of cloth and sent to the morgue.

I am now glad I did (though it might sound superstitious to most). Dad was dressed in his neat self and sent to the undertaker the following evening. We were all comforted that he was 'prepared' to return home.

Back at the hospital, Dad was still awake - he would be breathing quite heavily but momentarily still respond when we approached him. All of us took turns caressing his hands and chanting with him. The daimoku audio clip was playing in the background and had been so since the beginning of his hospitalization.

We asked Dad to try to sleep - and each time he would close his eyes but wake up after a while. He was also looking at the clock intermittently and was able to tell us what time it was. 2.22 am he said when we asked him once.

When morning broke, Dad was still awake. All of us decided that we should take turns to go back to catch up on our sleep and schedule our vigil at the ward. In the morning, Beng brought Irene and Lisa to see him. When Beng told Dad that he was going to send Lisa to work, Dad asked ' why so late?'. He was still that lucid.

Huat brought Hiong and Min Jun to see him too. Both Geok and I decided to wait for Dr Seow while Beng and Huat went back to rest. When Beng returned at 12 plus in the afternoon, We had met with Drs Seow and Lee - both explained that it was a matter of time but were unable to commit. We thanked them for their care of Dad.

Whenever we spoke to Dad - he was able to respond. Geok and I told him that we would return to see him again in the evening. He acknowledged with 'orh'.

Throughout Tuesday afternoon, both Geok and I rested at Bedok. In the evening, a group of soka members had scheduled a visit for daimoku with us. I was telling Geok that I was not sure if Jerry Tay - a senior soka leader would be visiting as he was supposed to visit Dad.

At 715pm, Jerry turned up at our home. He remarked that he did not know it was me when the leaders told him that I had requested a visit. We have known each other for almost 2.5 decades. Geok and I had conveyed our wish for a dialogue for Dad and a soka leader to talk about Buddhism and to provide a perspective regarding illnesses and of course life & death.

We could not have asked for a better person than Jerry. Jerry Tay was quoted by the wife of the late Martin Choo in her book on Love & Compassion. I know Jerry as a very compassionate and sincere person. He had just returned from a seminar in Japan.

His guidance to both Geok and me were indeed inspiring and really put us at much ease regarding Dad. Geok updated him on Dad's situation. Jerry explained to us the Buddhist perspective of life and death - and of the last moment in one's life. I saw that Jerry teared when we told him about Dad and after he saw what Dad had written the night before at the ward as well as his photos displayed at the living room.

He explained that our love for Dad would not go unrequited - and that our prayers for him will surely be answered. At 815pm, Jerry suggested that we do the evening prayers and promised that he would visit Dad around 10pm after his meeting.

Our gongyo was very sonorous and resolute. Before that Jerry had asked to see the prayers we had set for Dad. At 8.25, Jerry concluded the gongyo and left. Thomas, our district leader took over the daimoku chanting. At 8.30pm, Beng called me to ask us to get to the hospital - Dad was critical.

Gan, Geok and myself made our way out of the house while we got Thomas and the rest of the members to continue with the Daimoku and to look after Mum.

On our way along the Bedok Reservoir - Beng called to inform us that Dad passed away. Both Geok and I were at a loss - the type A in me kicked into action. I called Thomas to inform him so that an undertaker could be contacted to help us with the final arrangements.

Events after that were in a blur. I remember that I had managed to locate his pair of new shoes and they were now in the boot together with his formal wear. When I reached the hospital - I went into the room 2806 - and touched Dad. I told him - 'You are not in any more pain, lets go home Pa'

Beng, Geok and I did the reposte Gongyo in his room. I handed Dad's identity card to the nurse for the doctor on duty to issue the certificate. We planned to bring him home literally - and no further stay at the hospital or in the morgue was the key arrangement.

The casual set of home clothes came in very handy as the nurse asked if we had any change of attire for Dad. The nurse (I did not get her name but probably should try to locate her one day as I had promised her some notes on EQ during Dad's stay when she asked what was the subject that I consult in)asked us to let her know when we are done so they could 'clean' Dad up for his journey home.

When she saw me again at the corridor, the nurse told me 'Bernard, you all should not cry as your Dad passed on very peacefully' with tears in her eyes. We realized that Dad had by then, touched the lives of the nursing staff at the ward in the weeks that he had stayed.

With Dad properly attired, we followed him to the undertaker's vehicle for his preparation to go back to Bedok. Geok went ahead to let Mum know.

Throughout Dad's hospitalization and as I now recall his knowledge of his imminent passing, he had kept to his typical approach of not wanting to trouble others. He wrote on the writing pad simple characters - first his own name, then Mum's (which was how Geok knew to ask he wanted to see Mum) and a string of Chinese characters - 'that members (supposedly the Geylang Villagers' Association or Soka Association or even family members) should be united as unity is strength'.

He told us many times during his stay at Changi Hospital that he really did not have much to worry about. He was concerned about how Hock's kids were doing - how each of us was doing too - he was assured that with Methi and us - Mum would be well taken care of.

In the course of the past months - we had been revisiting the many events from the onset of his illness - while we wished we had done more for and with him - we must continue to live with his memories - of how he treated his family, siblings, relatives, and friends. All came for his wake - and even those who did not know him or us - I have had many occasions in the past weeks to run into neighbors, hawkers and even some I regard as total strangers who had encountered Dad and left an impression.

While he is no longer with us - he continues to live through all our daily activities.

We love you Dad, always.

(On 27th December 2010, we visited the Soka Senja Centre where his remains are inurned to commemorate the 49th day of his passing according to the lunar calendar though this is a Taoist tradition.)

Celebrating our Father’s life.

Eulogy for Mr Law Gart Huan delivered on Friday 12 November at 9pm

To know our Father – we need to know the many roles he played in the course of his 80 years of life. He was a son; an eldest brother to his siblings; a husband and soul mate to our mother for close to 60 years, a father to us and of course the proudest role of all – he was a grandfather to10 grand-kids he adored very much.

And to many of his friends and associates, he was a good and dependable buddy.

Father came to Singapore in 1936 with both our grandparents and an elder aunt. The journey from Yongchun, Fujian took 40 days by boat.

Father grew up in the old kampong of Geylang Lorongs 25 and 27. He helped our grandfather at his textile stall in the market along Lorong 25. It was also at this market that he met our Mother who was helping her father at their vegetable stall.

Father worked in various jobs including as a bus conductor for the Hock Lee Bus Company and as an insurance agent for the Singapore Insurance Company. Eventually, he was to found the Geylang Villagers Association and dedicated almost 42 years of his long life, first as its Secretary and thereafter as its Executive Advisor.

Though Father had only 6 years of primary education in China – he self studied and learnt enough of the Chinese language to undertake his role at the Association with distinction. What Father lacked in formal education, he more than made up for by an extra-ordinary sense of curiosity and a high level of keenness to learn.

Growing up, we often marveled at his strong Chinese language skills – he was able to produce commemorate magazines for the association and various other community organizations – even writing the speeches for MPs and Ministers included in these publications.

Father always had a soft spot for the underprivileged and needy. Up until early this year, he was still administering the bursaries and study awards given by the Association to its needy members.

Many of his best friendships were formed at the Association. Many of his close associates are also amongst us today.

Father was a very filial son. When our grandfather needed special care – Father ensured that he was placed at a nursing home near to our own residence. He would make daily trips to visit our grandfather with his favorite snack of 2 xao mai. He continued with the visits even though grandfather was afflicted with Alzheimer’s and could not recognize him.

To his siblings, Father was a dependable eldest brother – his care for them saw him helping them – and many times – even their own children with problems as varied as discipline, school placements, house applications amongst others.

It was through these episodes with our paternal and maternal grandparents and his relatives that we saw the responsible and selfless side of our Father. Though he had a quick temper, he was a man with a very big heart.

Our parents were married for close to 60 years. Theirs was a marriage of love – a rarity in those days. Though he was not financially well to do, he made sure that Mum was not deprived of the pleasures of travel – both of them did so quite extensively – to mainly Asian countries including Thailand, Malaysia, Indonesia, China and Japan. He also ensure that we were able to enjoy the simple joys in our daily lives – the brood of 6 children – were given treats of outings and eating whenever Father could afford and managed to find the means to transport us around.

For each of his children – Father made sure he helped when we were setting up home – with money to buy appliances or even the renovations. His love for us comes through the many anecdotes of what he did for us.

I had just been enlisted when my A levels results were released. Outram Secondary School was then located on York Hill – a very steep ascent. When I reached the school to collect my results, I was told that my Dad had collected on my behalf – in his bicycle !

He also carried Lay Geok into school to prevent her shoes from getting wet on rainy days. Both Geok and I still reminisced the days when he would carry us on his bicycle to our school located just next to our home at Mattar Road every morning.

When Hock started his printing business, Father was his top salesman – going all over town to gather business for him from various clan associations and temples etc. He also did the same for Huat when he ventured into the aluminum business.

When Khiam got married and was renovating his new matrimonial home, Father was the site supervisor – helping to ensure that the contractor carried out his work properly.

Khiam told me of an episode when Father climbed into the Mattar School to fetch water for the family to use when our supply was disrupted. This was the extent of his love for us – all expressed in action. When his teacher in school punished Beng with a chalk stuffed into his mouth – Father went to the school and questioned the teacher on his method of disciplining Beng.

Father was always respectful of people from all walks. This we witnessed often at eating places where he would help dish collectors clear the tables when we ate coffee shops or hawker centers.

Father lived his life with zest and a passion.

He was an active man – up until the last two months of his life. Every morning, he would do his set of simple stretching exercises at home. Make his regular trips to the Geylang Villagers Association for his weekly mahjong sessions and meetings to organize events or to do their accounts. He loved his food – he would venture to many nice and wayward eateries to try out new menus of restaurants etc both with his mahjong buddies and with us too.

His favourite past time was walking and doing marketing – he would take the bus to Bedok Central to buy lottery or have his favourite Yong Tau Hu. At home, he would make multiple trips to the market to run simple errands.

His most boundless love was however reserved for his 10 grand children. Each year, he would present them with Hong Baos when he celebrated his birthday. He stopped smoking after Angelina told him as a toddler that ‘Ah-Gong, the cigarette smelt bad’. That was more than 25 years ago.

Father enjoyed most doing things for the kids. As they grew up, he became interested in how they were doing at their jobs or studies. He would telephone Larry to ask how he was coping with his studies or how he did for his exams as he would ask me about Min Jun’s schoolwork.

When Andy was enrolled for Primary One and had to move home to start school, he wept.

Father’s encounter with Buddhism was through a health scare. He was scheduled for an operation to correct a compressed nerve on his back. While in hospital, Geok advised him to try chanting as she could see that he was worried about the surgery.

He was later to relate to us how he sneaked to the stair landing of SGH to chant to avoid bothering the other patients. When doctors told him that he no longer required surgery the following Monday, he saw actual proof of his practice of chanting Nam-Myo-Ho-Renge-Kyo (NMHRGK)

When I was unemployed for a short period of time, I once went home to find Father in the study chanting with Mum into the wee hours of the night. It did not take me long to be gainfully re-employed.

His was a pure faith from the heart.

He told me that chanting calmed him and helped him deal with the grief of losing Hock. Though he was not expressive of his practice, he kept his belief firmly in mind. Three days before he passed on, Huat saw him sitting in the ward with his beads in hand – despite his breathlessness, Father knew he had to keep rhythm with the Mystic Law. He experienced once again actual proof when our prayers for him to have no pain, high comfort and good appetite were also answered.

He passed on peacefully at the age of 80 with the resounding rhythm of NMHRGK at the background. Our final prayer for him to attain Buddhahood was also realized.

The President of Sokka Gakkai International, Daisaku Ikeda said – “Our lives are ruled by impermanence. But simply realizing that changes nothing. There is no value in bleak pessimism. The challenge is how to create something of enduring value within the context of our impermanent lives. The Lotus Sutra teaches us to do this.”

As we feel the loss of Father, we are comforted by the many fond memories of him with us. Most important of all, he will continue live through us - his children and his grandchildren. His life of love, compassion and filial piety is the most enduring legacy for us to live by.

President Ikeda further added - ‘we do not die for nothing; we die to start a new life. The fundamental purpose of death, then is birth – to allow us to start afresh in the next phase of our eternal life cycle.’ This is our firm conviction that Father has definitely started on a more glorious new mission dedicated to the lives of others based on the mystic law of NMHRGK.

Bernard C G Law

Dad at the National Cancer Centre

28 October 2010

We managed to get an earlier appointment with a medical oncologist while Dad was still in the hospital on 22 October. Our purpose was to get a perspective on his condition from cancer specialist. Also Geok did not think it would serve any good purpose to have too long a gap before the appointment.

We also wanted to seek palliative inputs to manage his symptoms. We also wanted to ask if counseling was available to him should he needed it.

Geok as well as Beng felt that a visit would to the National Cancer Centre would be cathartic for Dad as he would be seeing other patients both young and old. We had planned a good lunch with him and explained to him what would happen at the clinic.

For the first time in so many days, we were all so relieved to hear Dad burped and expressed satisfaction in a meal. Geok had bought sharksfin soup, his favourite.

The journey in the ambulance from Changi to NCC at SGH was quite uneventful. I accompanied him while Geok and Beng went in his cab. I made sure Dad could sit in the vehicle as he had motion sickness the last time he went to the A & E lying down in the ambulance.

We had a pleasant nurse who accompanied us. She kept the journey light - and complimented Dad on his features - sharp nose etc - also that he looked much younger than his 80.

When we arrived at NCC, Dad was pensive but was observing the people around him - for the first time we saw him taking in the different people at the centre - especially the younger patients etc.

The wait was not long - the oncologist who saw my Dad was Dr Mohd Farid - a pleasant and warm person though he was very busy. He did a quick check on the family background etc then made Dad walk a short distance in the clinic and also examined him.

He told us that he would need to re-examine Dad again in two weeks' time - 11.11.10 to ascertain his vitals to see if he would be ready for the follow up palliative treatment. We were very prepared with our questions for him particularly regarding dealing with Dad's discomfort - his back pain; his bloating; his sleeplessness.

Dr Farid started Dad on morphine to help with his breathlessness as well as his pain. It was a good decision cos the few weeks after that was almost non-symptomatic except the breathlessness.

We started our research on the effects of the treatment etc.

Our Principles of Care for Dad

When Dad was first diagnosed with cancer on 6 October Everyone of us took the news very badly. While many friends asked how old Dad is and often expressed comfort that he has lived a long life - our perspective at the initial news was - that he is too old to have to suffer this disease.

In the midst of our emotional turmoil and mental anguish, my siblings and I conferred and established three core principles of care for him.

First, medically - we will seek to ensure that Dad receives the best palliative care available - the objective is to have minimal pain arising from his symptoms. The overall objective is to contain any metastasis so as not to impair his quality of life.

Second, lifestyle wise - Dad should be given the best quality of life he can physically enjoy. We will target to spend quality time with him. His level of functionality should be as high as is achievable.

Thirdly, spiritually - we would in our own ways make it a foundation of our care for him. We have Buddhists and Christians as well as Taoists in the family. However, our prayers are consistent - that he should have No Pain, High Comfort and Good Appetite. He should be always filled with happy and positive thoughts throughout most part of the day.

We all agreed that this cannot be achieved without close collaboration and co-operation with the team of doctors. Our principles were also shared with them too.

As children, we are cognizant of the fact that much of Dad's life quality hinges on his mental and emotional states. We can help him achieve a high level of these by showing him our love and concern. For him, it is also important that he not only sees but feels that we are united and cohesive in our approach towards the care of him and particularly Mom.

Financially, I had since a decade ago - signed them up for Medishield (subsequently converted to Incomeshield). We have reiterated this to him so that mentally, he has one issue less to deal with.

Amongst us as siblings, we also have worked out the deployment of our resources so that no one is particularly stretched. Those who are able to render support in whichever way would pick up the slack where the others are unable to.

We are fortunate as the decades of our parents' relatively good health had allowed us to build our careers as well as our financial nest eggs. They have always been the kind of parents who never want to be a burden and bother to their kids - that had given us ample focus on our careers as well as to start our own families, raise our own kids and build our own homes.

Dad has cancer

Events over the last 16 days came unraveling this morning at 11am. Dad was finally told he has cancer of the lung with traces of the cells in his stomach.

Dad is 80 years old. When I first heard the news - I was devastated. So were my siblings. Crying became a daily routine. We were unsure if we should share the bad news with Dad - we felt he should not know as it might serve no purpose other than to worry him unnecessarily.

His team of doctors from Changi Hospital headed by Dr Seow Chuin - the respiratory consultant and Dr Jeannie Ong, the gastro consultant were of the opinion both ethically and treatment wise -Dad should know. We then decided that we should break the news to him - mainly because we want him to be engaged in the process of his care and treatment moving forward.


I must add that we could not ask for a stronger and better team of doctors. Particularly Dr Seow who has until this morning displayed extremely high professionalism and impeccable bedside manners. Dad himself had complimented him numerous times - even mistaking him to be my friend as he was very caring towards Dad. The same must be said of Dr Ong whom Dad commended for being kind and gentle in her administration of the endoscopy. Dad had expressed reservation to both Geok and me as he recalled his friend's experience some 20 years ago. Dr Ong was able to put Dad at very much ease that he even said he could not recall that it was even done. He also admitted to me that he had recited Nam-myo-ho-renge-kyo under his breath while being wheeled into the operating theatre.

The manner in which Dr Seow shared the news was witnessed by Huat, my 3rd older brother and Geok, my older sister. All concurred that his measured manner of engaging my Dad was indeed helpful.

Dad's health problems started about 1.5 months ago. He had together with Mum who is 81 always enjoyed good health other than the common ailments of aging. In fact, it was only in the past two years that we have had to pay visits to clinics or hospitals with them. For close to 15 years, they had been doing their regular checkups on their own at the polyclinic.

For this - all of us are extremely grateful.

He had at first complained of aches at the right mid section of his back - attributing it to rheumatism. We had brought him to TCM clinics and even physio-therapists as well as consulted his cardiologist.

Symptomatically, the relief was temporary. However, between 2 to 3 October, I sensed that his discomfort of the stomach was getting quite acute. On the morning of the 4th, I then decided to bring him into A & E at Changi Hospital. An X-ray was done and the doctor found his digestive system congested. An enema was done and Dad felt better and we got him home.

In the afternoon, he complained that his symptoms were returning. I asked him if he would like to be readmitted to A & E to get it checked, he declined as our appointment with a gastro specialist was due the following day.

On 5th October, while waiting for his appointment at 2pm, I had begun daily chanting in the morning - setting my target of completing 3 hours so that we would have ample time to make it to the clinic after lunch.

At 12pm, we received a call from the hospital. The doctor from the A & E asked how Dad was doing and when I said the symptoms had persisted, told me that portion of the X-ray that caught the right lung showed fluid. He asked that Dad be brought back to the hospital.

The admission was a dizzy at A & E. Dad was ambulant and lucid. He followed me through the admission process. Upon admission, the team of specialists was called to examine him. The first inkling that we were dealing with something more sinister came when Dr Pinakin briefed me.

He mentioned that fluid in the lung has few possible causes - one it is simply an infection cleared with a dose of antibiotics; the other possibility if tuberculosis - also curable but with a more complex regime of treatment. Finally, he mentioned the word, malignancy (cancer to the lay person).

I was hopeful that it might be just an infection or at worst TB. Dad had TB some 35 years ago - he had related his experience to us before. He was supposed to have succumbed to it because it was a fatal disease then. He also told us that he did not like the quarantine and isolation needed for treatment.

He was saved by a trial drug then. We quipped, more than half serious that both Geok and I would not be here today if the wonder drug had not been introduced then.

A few procedures were carried out for Dad in the interim. Sample of his fluid was drawn for test. Dr Seow who later briefed me on the result was gentler with the news but was more hopeful in his prognosis.

He later ordered a full draining of the fluid - in all, 2.3 liter was emptied. A biopsy was carried out on Dad's lung tissue. Confirmation of advanced adenocarcinoma came one day later - advanced lung cancer in lay terms.

The procedure to extract the lung tissue was in Dad's words, the worst pain of his 80 years of life. Hearing him described it this manner was like a knife gnawing in all us. Dr Seow assured us that it was not the draining of the fluid (as this would recur as the disease progresses). It was the extraction of the lung tissue for the biopsy.

However, Dad's complaints of his bloating and lack of appetite persisted. Doctors were of the opinion that the fluid in his lung was a more immediate issue that needed to be addressed.

Be Kind, or at least Be Nice :-))

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Jul 30, 2010

Let's be courtesy role models

I REFER to the letters on Tuesday by Madam Ng Bee Lay and Dr Lee Siew Peng ("The P's and Q's of S'porean courtesy") and Mr Christopher Chok ("Foreign custom worth trying").

Like Mr Chok, I make it a point to thank service personnel, especially bus drivers and other staff such as dish collectors at food centres, cashiers at supermarkets and courteous store assistants.

The sometimes surprised reactions I get belie what must be a dire lack of simple courtesy in our midst.

It is time we make a stand on what society we want for Singapore. Acts of kindness and courteous behaviour know no bounds and are universal, although they may be expressed differently.

While we need to reflect on our social behaviour, we also need to define what is desirable or acceptable in our society - more so as we welcome new citizens and foreigners in our midst. We need to encourage a gentler and kinder society as this affects our quality of life.

We set the tone by our own behaviour through the proverbial "do unto others" saying. We can make living in our overcrowded environment more pleasant through simple acts of kindness such as holding the lift for others, saying "thanks" and even giving way to others.

I disagree with Dr Lee that we have lost a generation who were raised by maids and are impolite, as being courteous was not required of them. The onus of how our future generation behaves rests squarely on us as parents or elders in the family.

I insisted that my nephews and nieces say "thanks" to our maid for preparing food for them and washing their dishes. This was also expected of them when they encountered service staff whenever we went out. I see the positive results of this early socialisation now that they are well brought up adults.

For those who are inclined to reciprocate poor behaviour with rude responses, I say "two wrongs do not make a right". As "owners" of our own society, it is time we define how we want to be treated ourselves and act accordingly.

Bernard Law

Caring For Parents - It takes more than a maid - Straits Times 20 May 2010 Forum

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May 20, 2010

CARING FOR PARENTS

It takes more than a maid

IT IS true that - as yesterday's report, 'Who's really caring for Singapore's elderly?', suggested - maids have become a permanent fixture in families with elderly people.

But it is heartening to see children of the elderly accompanying them to medical appointments at hospitals and clinics. Many children of the elderly are baby boomers in their late 40s and early 50s. Most belong to the 'sandwich generation', where they have to care for their ageing parents while supporting their own children.

Maids play an important role in the larger scheme of elder care. They undertake many tasks that may be mundane, but are physically demanding.

My parents are in their 80s and I am their main caregiver. My siblings are very supportive through sharing in the financial needs of their care.

My siblings, who are older than me, also make deliberate and willing efforts to visit as well as spend time with them. For this, I am grateful and immensely appreciative.

We have the good fortune of having a father who helps out in caring for my mum.

We are also grateful in having Methi, our maid, who is now very much a part of our family. She is patient and meticulous. And she is good with my parents who find her pleasant and kind.�

While the physical support of looking after our elderly can be fulfilled by maids, the emotional as well as mental needs can never be relegated to them. This needs time and much effort.

The most basic daily interaction beyond the family gatherings during special occasions are critical to the well-being of our elderly.

Most often, what they need is a family member to chat with - and not feel neglected or abandoned.

I agree with Professor Brenda Yeoh's suggestion in yesterday's report ('Peg levy to maid's skill in elder care?') that more can be done to recognise the role of maids in caring for the elderly.

A more important dynamic in the new caregiving relationship between the elderly and maids is how we as family members treat our parents.

Maids will, like our children, take their cues from how we show respect and love towards our parents.�

Bernard Law

Salute to Mothers - 16 May 2010 - Original Draft

I am extremely touched by the stories of Mmes Tay Et and Lim Kwee Lan in the Sunday Times today.

I am sure there are many millions of Mothers around the world who toil selflessly everyday for their children and families. We should salute them, not just on Mothers' Day but everyday.

Both Mothers make great sacrifices on a daily basis, to preserve the dignity of their children in spite of the many practical constraints. They would rather celebrate life than lament its many imperfections. Their sense of gratitude humble us - they see the glass as half-full - comparing their sons' filial piety to those who might be able-bodied yet chose lesser manner to live their lives.

I am particularly moved by Mdm Tay's commitment to let Kevin live the fullest possible though his condition is deteriorating. In the face of the inevitable in our daily lives, many have shown lesser courage.

I wish both of them and their families - resilience to deal with the daily challenges. Both of them have taught us the most important lesson in life - to live and through others live even better. They must take great comfort that they have shown the highest sacrifice possible to another human.


Bernard C G Law